Colombia Officials Urge Residents to Quit Having Sex to Beat the Heat

Photo: irinamunteanu (Getty)

If the back of your shorts feels especially sticky this summer, that’s because 2018 is on pace to be the fourth hottest year since record-keeping heat waves began, according to the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration (and my terrible case of swamp ass). The government’s solution? Stop having sex.

Yeah, good luck with that!

Colombia officials are urging residents to resist the urge of getting frisky in order to beat the heat. That’s the crack-squad suggestion from Julio Salas, a health secretary of Santa Marta, Colombia, who advised people to stop having sex with their partner (or sex robot) during peak hours of the day to avoid heat stroke and exhaustion.

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“Avoid making love or having sex at times when the temperature is high, especially at noon, because this activity places physical demands on you and increases your heart rate,” Salas said on a local Santa Marta radio station.

But what if you just can’t help yourself, you ask? Simple. Salas advised those who believe physical activity is absolutely imperative to wait until after sunset or “at times when the temperature is lower.”

Clearly, she doesn’t understand how the human brain works.

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The tourist destination has seemingly angered Mother Nature, routinely dealing with temperatures in the upper 90s to low 100s on a day-to-day basis over the last two months, which Salas says has lead to increased city-wide heat strokes.

Santa Marta is just one of many places across the globe dealing with excessive heat, as government officials in Japan have considered introducing daylight saving time during the summer, allowing the country to start its day two hours earlier while tourist towns in Britain have asked visitors to stay home because of the rising mercury.

So basically, the government is telling you that the best way to beat the heat is to beat your meat. If you ask us, they’re just worried about overpopulation.