The Governor Abbott Guide to Looking on the Bright Side

In the words of Texas Governor Abbott, “You never know when a tree is going to fall on you.” Abbott earned this pearl of wisdom after a tree fell on him one windy morning in 1984, relegating him to a wheelchair for the rest of his days. But rather than treating it as an unfortunate act of god, Abbott sued the pants off the guy who owned the tree. That’s what we call turning a frown upside down.

Throughout his career in politics, Governor Abbott has been able to see the bright side of things when no one else can. Even after a teenager bought a semi-automatic rifle the day after his 18th birthday and used it to do the unthinkable at an elementary school in Texas, Abbott remained buoyed. When asked about the shooting in Uvalde, Abbot told reporters: “It could have been worse.”

What a fucking optimist.

Sidestepping the fact that for the families and community reeling from the devastation, it couldn’t get any worse, Abbott carries the pigskin of blind optimism to the endzone. Even in the face of a preventable tragedy, the dude is as chipper as a tree cutter’s deadly machinery.

For the rest of us, the events of May 24 are not just heartbreaking but hope-shattering. After more than two decades since Columbine, gun violence has only worsened. Guns are now the leading cause of death for kids. Now when we go to school, walk into a grocery store, or go out with friends on Friday night, we’re left wondering if we’ll make it home.

That’s the new reality of life in America.

But before you get all glum about it, take a tip from Gov. Abbott and ignore the realities of everyone’s grief to look on the bright side with this handy guide. You’ll be smiling like a sociopath in no time.

Cover Photo: Icon Sportswire (Getty Images)


// ad on openWeb