The Mandatory GameStop Guide to Making Riches When You’re Not Worth a Damn
Nowadays it seems like everyone is getting rich quick playing the stock market by betting on downtrodden companies like GameStop and AMC. The explosion of retail investors flocking to Wall Street has turned markets upside down and cost hedge funds a lot of money. Which is great for the little guy. But what if you’re one of the little guys who’s totally missing out on this wild time boom? Is there any way you can turn your handful of quarters into a cushy retirement fund?
Look at Jaydn Carr, the ten-year-old kid from San Antonio who just made $3,200 on a $60 investment. Or Hunter Kahn, the 20-year-old college student who woke up last week with $30,000 more dollars in his bank account after GameStop shares jumped 1,625 percent. The more the list goes on, the more we feel like we’re seriously missing out. So excavate those couch cushions, raid the sock drawer, and scour between the seats of your Ford Focus on your hands and knees because it’s time to gather up those pennies and make some dividends.
While there’s never any guarantee in actually making money playing the stock market for short term gain, there is a way to irresponsibly assume that you totally will. Introducing the Mandatory GameStop Guide to Making Riches When You’re Not Worth a Damn.
You’re welcome, future investor.
Cover Photo: Big Cheese Photo (Getty Images)
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Step 1: Establish an Internet Connection
We know this seems obvious, but you’d be surprised how many people we see yelling “buy!” from their front stoop. It doesn't work like that.
Step 2: Download An Investment App On Your Smartphone or Desktop
Investment 101: To be a major player in the investment world, you’ll need a way to access the market. Free apps like E-Trade (not to be confused with eharmony) can plug you into the action.
Step 3: Join A Reddit Investment Group
If you manage to join an existing investment group just buy whatever the hell people are messaging about on the boards. Just remember, now that retail stocks are blowing up, it might be hard to gain access.
Step 4: Start Your Own Investment Group.
If you can't get into one of the hot Reddit forums, start your own. Once you pack enough bodies in there, you’ll have the clout to influence market trends. Consider betting on Jolt Cola, a highly underrated beverage.
Step 5: Make Sure Your First Investment Is A Winner
Because there’s a fee associated with selling your amazing stock purchase once it balloons in size, you’ll want to make sure that you’ve made enough money to cover said fee. Otherwise, you might be on the hook for the remainder. And if that happens, who's going to pay your Netflix bill then?
Step 6: Learn the Lingo
At some point, you’ll want to know what words mean. Terms like "ETF," "Options Trading," and "Significant Losses," can be confusing for newbies. Sorting out what the hell people are talking about will help you understand how and why you are making so much money from pressing buttons on your phone.
Step 7: Know When To Sell
While riding "the wave" is one of the keys to success, it’s also important to know when to sell. Use your gut and only your gut to tell you when the time is right. And remember, during your awesome cashout you can always keep a portion of your earnings invested in the stock (in case it continues to skyrocket in a completely once-in-a-lifetime and logic-defying way).
Step 8: Celebrate
Pop open a bag of Cool Ranch Doritos and munch away, Winner. You’ve earned a moment to celebrate a job well done before you reinvest in non-pajama pants or a forehead sweatband. Congratulations investment guru, the world is now your 7-Eleven hotdog.
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