The Mandatory Back to School Guide For Unfit Parents Whose Kids Are Not Going Back to School
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Whether or not school resumes with in-person classes, many parents will be opting to keep their kids home. With questions up in the air about social distancing, the fact that kids really don’t like washing their hands, whether or not their kids will actually keep their masks on, and the pandemic continuing to loom largely on modern life, many schools (if they’re open) are going to be missing large portions of their student population.
This means that parents who previously never considered homeschooling will be forced to figure out how to teach their kids lessons more important than how to scroll through Netflix and the intricacies of microwaving cold coffee.
To ease some of the stresses involved in figuring out just what life lessons you’ll be teaching your little rug rats when they aren’t Zooming with their actual teachers, we came up with a list of easy lessons you can implement at home. Children are our future and you want them to be prepared, don’t you?
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Computer class might be the easiest homeschooling class. Simply put on YouTube videos of people unboxing toys on an iPad and hand to them. They’ll be mesmerized.
The best way to get your kids to cook you dinner is to say that it’s one of their classes. Sure, it might end up being undercooked spaghetti covered in maple syrup and crumbled Triscuits, but at least you didn’t have to make it.
Since your kids probably won’t want to spend any time actually reading, encourage them to find the movie version on Netflix and watch it with them. It’s just as good as reading the book, right?
Hand your kids a Wiffle ball and bat and send them out into the backyard. Tell them they can’t come back until they each hit a home run over the house. They’ll be out there all day.
Do they still teach home economics in school? Well, regardless of whether or not they do, you can still teach it at home. Hand your kids a vacuum cleaner, duster, and Swiffer and send them on their way. The cleaner they get the house, the better the grade.
With an election coming up, it’s important for your kids to learn about the ins and outs of politics. The best way to do this is the peruse Twitter and read all the comments on any politically charged posts. They’ll also learn a few new words in the process.
Nothing is more scientific than home experiments, right? Sure, you could mix Mentos and cola. But, if you really want them to learn about science, get them to climb under their bed and pull out at sandwich they forgot they were eating six months ago and inspect it. Now that’s science.
Creative writing is a very important skill for children to have. Since they probably won’t want to just sit at the table and write about their favorite mythical creature, simply ask them to write down the plot of the last cartoon they watched. Then watch it together to see just how little they actually remembered about SpongeBob’s adventures in Bikini Bottom.
Learning a foreign language is really important. Whether it's French, Spanish, German, or even Icelandic, the easiest way to learn it is to stream foreign TV shows with the closed captioning on.
Instead of making your kids solve a Good Will Hunting-style math equation, just have them count the number of times you and your wife swear every day. That's a lot of counting.
After a long day of learning, your kids deserve a little bit of fun. For recess, send them out on a scavenger hunt looking for something that doesn't actually exist. That'll keep them busy.
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