What Your Valentine’s Day Present Says About How Your Relationship Will End
Valentine’s Day is the trickiest time of the year for lovers. You know you have to do something for your girlfriend but all the options seem too cheesy, cliche, or generic to really wow her. But buy something you must, because you are an American and that’s how we do things when Hallmark tells us to. While we can’t predict how your present will be received, we do have some insight into the future of your relationship based on the gift you pick. Check out these 10 scenarios that foreshadow what your Valentine’s Day present says about how your relationship will end and choose that dreaded offering with care.
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This is a gift that doesn't keep on giving. In fact, it dies within days. What kind of bait-and-switch bullshit is that? Flowers are better than nothing, but if all you spring for is a bouquet of carnations (ladies' least favorite kind of blooms), your relationship will slowly rot and she'll soon become allergic to you.
A Box of Chocolates
Yes, women love chocolate, but the kind most stores hawk on Valentine's Day is cheap, waxy, and filled with mysterious substances. If you give her the discount drug store box o' chocolates, your relationship will end when she cheats on you with a high roller who can not only afford chocolate that actually tastes good but who also enjoys drizzling it on her body and slowly licking it off as foreplay. Oof.
A Teddy Bear
Stuffed animals are creepy and they don't get any cuter just because the calendar turns to February. She's a grown-ass adult and giving her a child's toy is infantilizing. In fact, if she has any childhood trauma in her past, a teddy bear will trigger it, and soon she'll be too busy going to therapy, crying on your shoulder, and avoiding sex to be a girlfriend worth keeping.
John Keats you are not, so please do not try to win her over with your own version of "Roses are red, violets are blue..." (which was a lame poem to start with). The outpouring of emotion from a novice wordsmith (that'd be you) will make her seek out the strong, silent type, like the mechanic who recently fixed her car.
We all love a cute pussy, but when you give a feline as a Valentine's Day gift, you're also obliging the recipient to endless litter box scooping, cat barf cleanup, and vet visits that cost an arm and a leg. Don't be surprised if your girlfriend decides to place the cat on your face as you sleep, dooming you to death by clawing or suffocation.
Let's be honest: this is more a gift for you than it is for her. Lingerie can be uncomfortable, unflattering, and it has to come off for sex anyway, so what really is the point? (Other than to titillate you, of course.) If you give her this gift on V-day, we predict she'll burn those pricey La Perla unmentionables and dump you for her female best friend. 'Cause ain't no feminist got time for that isht.
A Stripper Pole
Again, this is a gift for you. And if she's a modern, empowered woman, the best you'll get out of this gift is a laugh and a request to see your routine. Because you can't expect her to work the pole until you do so first. (Fair's fair.) If your performance is on par with Jennifer Lopez's in Hustlers, congratulations, you'll stay coupled. If fall flat on your face (literally), she'll quickly replace you with a Chippendales dancer who isn't afraid to shake his money-maker. Hey, you gave her the idea when you bought the stripper pole.
A Sex Toy
Unless there's been a conversation about expanding your sexual repertoire before she opens a sex toy on V-day, don't expect her to be enthused about whatever freaky apparatus you hope to bring into the bedroom, especially if it's meant to be clamped, inserted, or used on her. We can only hope for a poetic justice scenario, in which she ends up falling in love with the sex toy so much it renders you useless (and soon after, single).
An Engagement Ring
Look at you, big spender! Congrats on manning up and taking a risk with an engagement ring. Of all the scenarios listed here, proposing on Valentine's Day and presenting her with a diamond ring is peak romanticism. Let's just hope she's on board with the whole wifey thing; if not, your heart is going to break seven ways to Sunday and you'll forever carry the story of the One Who Turned You Down, which you'll inevitably tell on first dates after a few drinks, forever scaring off any future marital prospects. Tread carefully and carry a big rock.
The worst thing you could give her on Valentine's Day is nothing. No, we take that back. The worst thing would be nothing coupled with a rant about the evils of consumerism. Nobody really likes V-day, but if you're in a relationship (and want to stay there) you better pony up. Make an effort. Give something, anything, even if it's the wrong thing. By forgetting, ignoring, or defying the most important holiday for couples, you're sentencing your relationship to certain death. She'll leave you, never forgive you, and you won't get that sweet, sweet sex with an ex that we all long for after a breakup.