Even though you’re diametrically opposed to the idea of dressing up, it’s
Halloween. This means, regardless of the fact that you hate costumes, you’re bullied into dressing up anyway, because the only thing worse than people who complain about dressing up are people who simply won’t. So you brave the real nightmare of finding a costume and then wear it in public like you’re some sort of dickhead. We’ve created an honest timeline to break down the hilarious trauma of being the person on Halloween who hates dressing up.
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Honest Timeline Halloween
You've got a Halloween party to attend later tonight. You also don't have a costume. You hate costumes. Costumes are for idiots. But you're an idiot who needs a costume.
You Google the closest costume shop and pray it's not a zoo. Surprise! It's a fucking madhouse. You pick a sexy cowboy costume and leave. It's just a dumb costume, so who cares?
You drink a six-pack and put your costume on. Except somehow you end up with the wrong costume. Turns out...you're an eggplant? You break out the hard alcohol for this.
Your friends arrive and want to know why you're dressed like *that* emoji. So you have another shot and feel like the facepalm emoji.
You guys pre-party while waiting for the rest of your crew to show up. Everyone has a decent costume. Someone even dressed up as Iron Man, but here you are a freakin' phallic eggplant.
You get in an Uber. Everyone makes you sit in the front seat because you're an embarrassment and they don't want to be associated with you. You ready yourself for stupid questions by secretly sipping vodka out of a Gatorade bottle like your driver doesn't know.
You arrive at the party. A lovely lady asks what you are. Then she realizes what you are and announces it to the party before taking a selfie with you.
Someone dressed up as a teacher hands you a drink. You don't even ask what it is, you toss it back and then shimmy your eggplant ass off.
Your accidental emoji costume is the hit of the party. You're a one-man Tinder app. Ladies are tagging you in photos on Instagram and you just made out with the woman in that whatever-it-was costume.
Two women you barely know corner you to ask about your costume. You want to explain that it's all a mistake, but instead ask if they want to go back to your place.
Although in your soul, you still hate dressing up, you also have to admit that with the right costume, it can be kind of fun. You win, Halloween.