12 Kinds of Women Who Could School You on Sex
Photo: PeopleImages (Getty Images)
A man’s life is lived one rite of passage at a time, and none are so important as those involving sex. There’s no reason you should get stuck in a rut of sleeping with the same kind of women again and again. After all, how do you know what you like if you haven’t tried all the luscious (and not so forbidden) fruit that nature’s bounty offers up? Variety is the spice of life and now, while you’re young and robust, is the time to sample from the full buffet of options in the mating department. Be brave, take a chance, and you just might find a new favorite.
These are the 12 kinds of women who could school you on sex (especially if, God forbid, you plan to settle down).
Pillow talk: 11 Lines You Should Never Use After Sex (Or Ever!)
The Plus-Size Woman
We’ve been brainwashed by society to believe that skinny equals sexy, but good sex is not a one-size-fits-all scenario. If the women you’ve slept with have all been on the wispy side, it’s time to venture out into the land of curvy, plus-sized, full-bodied women, where there’s more to love in all your favorite areas. You just might find a new fetish in excess flesh.
Recently divorced women are wild AF. They’ve been let loose from sex jail (also known as monogamy) and are ready to reaffirm their sexual prowess. The last time she was single and free to mingle, Tinder probably didn’t even exist, so you might have to make an old-fashioned booty call to get yours, but the momentary awkwardness of actually calling a woman is well worth the no-holds-barred sex machine that arrives at your doorstep faster than a BiteSquad order.
The Older Woman
If you’re tired of sex partners who show as much enthusiasm as a dead fish in bed, it might be time to trade up for a more mature woman. She knows what she’s doing (and what she wants you to do) and she isn’t going to put up with any of your shit. She has high expectations because she knows that’s the only way you’ll meet them. She’ll be wowed by your stamina and your youthful looks. Bask in the adoration. This is as good as it gets.
The Single Mom
Moms have several advantages over the childless when it comes to hooking up: she’s obviously not a prude (see human evidence), she won’t waste time (because she hardly has any), and she’ll always have snacks on hand (it’s a mom thing). She also likely won’t push for more than the occasional smash-and-dash because her priority isn’t forcing you into a committed relationship; it’s taking care of her kid(s).
The Power Suit
Career-focused women have to suppress their passionate urges to get their work done, so when they finally let their hair down, they want all-consuming, athletic, full bore sex. Girls may just want to have fun but ball-busting corporate ladder climbers want a ride. Buckle up, boys. This is going to be exhilarating (and potentially a little scary).
If she swings both ways, you’ll be the recipient of her superior hand and tongue skills and you just might get an earful of girl-on-girl sex stories, too. While you’ll have to compete with women for her attention, you just might be able to convince her to let her join you next time she gets with her female friend-with-benefits.
The Temporarily Celibate Woman
Believe it or not, some women take breaks from sex. Like, long breaks. Months, even years. But at some point, even the most chaste women gets her fill of meditation and silence and woo-hoo whatever and wants to get back into the game. If you get to be her slump buster, you are one lucky dude indeed. There are so many blow jobs of gratitude coming your way.
So many women are sexier in glasses (and if she isn’t, don’t worry, she’ll probably take them off during sex and then you’ll look sexier). Nerds love to learn, so she’ll be extra receptive to any instructions you have about how you like your sex acts. Nerds also love to ask questions, though, so try to keep conversation to a minimum. The worst thing that could happen during sex with a nerd is that you’ll unintentionally make her laugh her god-awful laugh. If that comes to pass, just tell her that you need her to be quiet so you can concentrate. She’s spent enough time in libraries that she’ll totally get your drift.
You’ll have to convince this one that sex isn’t dirty and tone down your freaky sexual proclivities, but if you can get this woman to have (sweet, vanilla) sex with you, it'll be like a palate cleanser from all the porn, threesomes, and anal you’ve been indulging in.
The Beauty on the Inside
No one ever paid her any attention until you came along (and made her come). It’s sad but true that you can probably be a mediocre lover with a beauty-on-the-inside kind of girl and she won’t mind because she’s just happy you’re there. This kind of woman is great if you’re new to sex, struggling with your confidence, fresh off a breakup, or just need someone who makes no demands.
The Foreign Female
What if you had to impress a woman without words? Then you’d see how charming you really are. As a challenge, try hitting on a woman whose language you don’t speak and try to sweep her off her feet with just hand gestures and apologetic ‘I don’t understand you’ smiles. You both may find that not-talking is the best way to get to know one another.
The Spiteful Ex
She’s on the rebound from a contentious breakup and wants to get under someone else so she can get over her ex. Trouble is, it’s not enough to get laid; she has to make sure her ex knows she got laid. So this will require shoving your lust in some guy's face. There’s an illicit thrill to PDA and the kind of dick-swinging required to make another man jealous. Enjoy it while it lasts, but be prepared for a fist-fight.