5 Types Of Drinkers You Probably Don’t Want To Be
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At the end of a hard day, nothing hits the spot more than the sip of an Old-Fashioned. Sometimes, that sip turns into another sip, and another, and another. Before you know it, you’re in Mexico and may or may not be married.
Look, we’re not here to judge. That’s your parents’ job. We’re just here to describe the different kinds of drinkers out there in the world. Chances are, if you’re like us, you’ve been all of these types of drinkers at some point in your life (maybe even all in the same night). So which one are you?
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On the opposite end of the spectrum is Beercules. Dignity is not in your vocabulary when it comes to drinking. When you go, you go hard. There’s no other way to go, in your mind. You save up all your energy for the weekend and preferably dispense it at a sporting event. You may or may not paint half of your body with your favorite team's colors. There's also a chance that you may or may not get arrested for one or more of the following: public intoxication, public indecency, private indecency (not a crime, but it should be), assault, and loitering. But you wear your convictions proudly, because you are Beercules.
You might prefer a nice red wine, as it goes with the color of your effervescent heart. You give said heart to anybody you might come across while drinking. Whether it’s a friend, a spouse, or a stranger with a kind face, you want to be friends with everyone. Drink a little bit more, and you want to marry everyone. Drink just a bit more and you’re telling strangers that you’re in love with them. Finally, after one or more bottles of wine, you take a shot of Patron and end up crying on the bathroom floor, trying to convince yourself not to text “u up?” to your ex.
Much like Beercules, you’ve got testosterone and adrenaline running through your veins. You have no qualms about shotgunning a Keystone Light and throwing the can at passersby. You’re not afraid to defend yourself, or your friends, if somebody so much as looks at you wrong. How dare they make eye contact with you, right? So you pound your Bud Light, take a shot of Jim Beam and break a pool stick because you’re about to get it on, but not in the sexy way.
The Forlorn Drinker
You’re a really fun person to be around after one or two drinks. After that, you start bumming everybody out. You wax poetic and nostalgic about days gone by. “Remember when you were in high school and had the world at your feet?” you ask your friends. They do remember, because you asked them the same question 20 minutes ago, right before crying into your beer while muttering to yourself that you “should have joined the dance team.”
The Mad Man
You’re dignified. You wear suits and would never be caught dead drinking beer from a can, or even beer, period. You’re old-fashioned, so you probably drink Old-Fashioneds. You’re also the type of drinker that drinks consistently throughout the day, but it rarely shows. A screwdriver for breakfast, before-and-after-meeting-martinis, and your "usual" when you get home from a long day at the office. You don’t drink because you need to. You drink because you deserve to. The medical term for this kind of drinker? "Alcoholic."