The Bruce Banner Anger Management Guide to Keeping Your Inner Hulk Tucked Away
Photo: Universal Pictures
Life can be aggravating – from the constant stream of junk mail littering your inbox to the terrible drivers you encounter on the way to work – it’s enough to make anyone lose their cool. Sometimes the toilet breaks at the worst possible moment or the WiFi is being wonky, turning your Game of Thrones experience into a stop-and-start affair. But before you go all “Hulk smash” on everyone, remember: As someone’s therapist used to say “the WiFi didn’t make you angry, you made you angry.”
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So the next time your blood begins to boil and you start to see red (or green in this case), remember these anger management techniques to keep your inner Hulk from smashing the really expensive thing that just happens to be within arm’s reach at that exact moment. We promise, for normal life stuff, Bruce Banner has a way easier time than the Hulk.
Everyone knows that feeling when your team loses. It can ruin your whole day and lead to stabbing a guy behind the pub with a broken pool cue. But keep this in mind: it's only a game and nobody on your team is even from your hometown.
Nothing rankles the heart like kin and bedfellows. A powder keg like that can lead to an explosion of great proportion. But since we're all just an interconnected network of random matter floating in a vast cosmos of nothingness, you only have yourself to blame.
Mosquitoes, poison oak, snakes -- not to mention putting up a tent with poles missing, zero internet connection, shitting behind a tree...If this is not your idea of a good time, you might think it's a good time to Hulk out. Refrain. Instead, ponder any Robert Frost poem until total confusion/boredom sets in and all senses are neutralized.
Deep, inner rage is one of the hardest to crack. Consider changing your bathing habits. Nobody ever gets that mad in a bubble bath.
If 100 percent of people said they never experienced road rage, 100 percent of them would be lying. We all get aggravated at the dumb and questionable choices that other drivers make, but just remember: you got in your car to go somewhere, not to lose your shit at some guy in a red Tercel who cut you off three blocks ago, then jump out of your car with the engine running so you can punch him in the face through his rolled down window.
Just play the opening bars to The Office theme song in your head. Watch how fast your take on the situation shifts.
When the car smells, the music sucks, and your driver misses the turn you warned him about three times, it's easy to start beating your chest in fury. But since you supported a soulless corporation abusing the gig economy and livelihoods of countless disenfranchised drivers, you knew what to expect.
Sorry, there is literally no cure for this kind of rage. Wear sandals.
Global Injustice Rage
When global injustice happens to you, don't get mad. Fight back by leaking a bunch of classified documents to the press, then hiding out inside a foreign embassy for seven years. Not sure what happens after that.
Simply overeat to compensate for the anger. When you're really full, you can only contemplate two things: dessert or nap?
A special kind of rage that terrified even the Romans, ginger rage can only be remedied by an offering of three speckled hens, two squares of chocolate, and a pot of golden virgins.
Raging just for the hell of it? Consider collecting stamps or learning to bowl.
Once you've mastered these strategies for taming your rage, you, too, can be as happy as Bruce Banner on his day off.