The Hungry Bear’s ‘Helpful’ Guide To Camping Survival
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Camping: it’s not just for poor people anymore! Mostly because most of us are poor. Yay for being a millennial! However, none of that matters thanks to the fact that your entire trip will be perfectly curated for social media after you’re lubricated enough to enjoy yourself. That said, please enjoy our handy guide at excelling at the outdoors. With it, you’ll be Instagramming your perfect trip in no time.
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Instagrammable Camp Site
Look, it might not seem like a convenient idea, but packing everything you need to have a viable camp will make you seem like you know what you’re doing. Not that you need to actually know what you’re doing or even enjoy camping. Since perception is reality, it will be worth renting a U-Haul to drag these seemingly pointless items for the perfect photo-op.
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Mark Your Territory
Speak the language of the wild by marking the territory around your campsite. This will get easier the more you drink, so definitely make it a point to get plastered ASAP. You know, run with the wolves before you get eaten by them or whatever.
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Let The Good Times Roll
If you’re going to unplug from the internet, you’re going to need something to keep you entertained. Since it obviously won’t be your personality, make sure to bring enough booze and drugs to kill a small animal, preferably a bear, since they’ll be on your ass anyways. Also, pre-rolling your weed into blunts will help you take the edge off when no one can start a fire or you realize the tent you brought is missing a part and you’ll be sleeping in a Civic.
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Light It Up
Incorporate the KonMarie Method into your next camping trip by putting to use some of the clothes that no longer spark joy. Instead, let them spark your fire by covering them in hand sanitizer and setting them on fire. Yes, hand sanitizer is truly flammable. Please flame up responsibly.
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Keep Bears Busy
Thanks to information we’ve gathered from studying Yogi Bear, we know bears are insanely smart. They can claw their way into a cooler or ransack your car to get to your tasty treats. Instead of jumping through hoops to avoid an interaction them, hang any food items over your campsite. Prove you belong at the top of the food chain by making ‘em work for their supper.
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Pedilyte (More Like Pediaright)
After packing enough booze and drugs to get you through the apocalypse, you’re also going to need to manage the end-of-the-world hangover you’ll likely have. Because of this, the most important thing to pack on a camping trip is Pedialyte. Pro tip: when you inevitably run out of mixers, sub Pedialyte so you can cure your hangover as it happens.
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Have you used any of these foolproof methods while camping? Let us know in the comments!