Bears Are Even Scarier Than You Think

Photo: Frinkiac

When was the last time you saw a bear? At the zoo, maybe? Or perhaps on a television show. Growing up, we have been made to think of bears as these gentle creatures that will defeat evil with a Care Bear Stare, or steal your picnic basket, or tell bad jokes on The Muppet Show. But that is not the case, and seeing these beasts in cages or on TV doesn’t do them justice. For starters, they are huge. A brown bear can weigh up to half a ton. And they are fast. They can run up to 35 mph. As seen in this video:

Bears Are Scarier Than You Think

Did you see how fast that damn thing was going? It reminds me of the joke about two hikers out in the forest who see a bear. One of the hikers starts putting on running shoes, while the other says, “You can’t outrun a bear.” To which the first hiker says, “I don’t have to outrun the bear, I only have to outrun you.” Except, in this case, I think the bear could totally catch the first hiker, maul him to death, and then catch the second one just for being a terrible friend.

Hell, check out this guys reaction to seeing a bear walking around a neighborhood. For the record, that bear could have totally murdered him. But he chose not to, because he is the forgiving type:

Don’t Forget: Zebra’s can be real jerks, too!

Bears have huge paws and sharp teeth. Even if you put a muzzle on them and file down their claws, they can still beat the hell out of you with brute force. Like this “tiny” 350 pound bear that was tired of being a sideshow:

Yeah, a karate chop is not going to stop a bear that has its mind made up to do something. Just ask Gentle Ben.

I guess what I’m saying is, bears are scary and no place is safe!