A Useful Urinal Etiquette Guide For All Men, Everywhere

Photo: Erik Dreyer (Getty)

Public restrooms are an area of contention for some men. I mean, to pee, one has to expose his penis in a public setting in order to do the deed. This can understandably make a man uncomfortable.

Since urinals have become the primary receptacle for discarding our urine, society has made the act of standing close to another man (who also has his weiner exposed) a non-awkward situation where in any other conceivable instance it would be. So let’s make this task as casual as it can possible be, shall we?

To help accomplish this, I’ve provided 10 rules every man should abide by when confronted by the urinal. Hopefully this’ll fix a few things. But they won’t fix this guy who ripped a urinal off the wall.

1. No talking

There’s nothing more awkward than complete, uninterrupted silence at the urinal. Wait, yeah there is: CONVERSING at a urinal. Let me tell you this, 99 percent of the men you’re lined up with do not want to communicate at the urinal, and the one dude who does is probably very, very drunk.

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2. Stand nice and close to the urinal

Listen dude, if you’ve got a big wiener. Congrats. But we don’t need to see it. Modesty is a valuable asset, so get nice and close to that urinal and pee at a comfortable distance, ensuring there is no visible schlong, nor any violent splash back.

Photo: Benjamin Rondel (Getty)

Photo: Benjamin Rondel (Getty)

3. Maintain your distance from other patrons

When choosing a urinal, your best bet is to choose one that’s farthest from any other patrons currently taking a leak. At the very least, leave one urinal between other peeing patrons.

If this is not possible and every urinal in the line-up is occupied, then you have no other choice than to stand shoulder-to-shoulder with another man. Just make sure you follow the other rules provided more strictly.

4. No peeking

The distance between urinals is limited, so if a guy’s going to take a peak — be it out of attraction or curiosity — he’s going to know. Chances are, he’s going to be creeped out. To avoid such an awkward interaction, keep your eyes forward and stare into those shiny bathroom tiles.

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5. No food or drink 

A bathroom is no place to bring food or drink into, it’s to release them into the sewers. This rule applies to most things; beer is not one of them. You can’t trust anybody with your overpriced beer that’s been senselessly into a plastic cup resulting in 50/50 foam. That shit’s liquid gold at a sports venue. There’s no way you’re letting that baby out of eyesight.

6. If there’s a line, get ‘er done

By this I mean: As soon as you’re done peeing, shake your schlong both gently and diligently, as if you’re tapping a spoon on the edge of a tea cup, and zip up on your way to the sink.

By standing there wrestling with your thing and zipper, you’re making some other drunk dude in line’s bladder swell to the size of a watermelon.

7. If need be, use a stall 

According to statistics, about 17 million men will have some form of a shy bladder. This works out to almost 10 percent of the population. So if the urinals are all in use and you don’t want to stand so close to another man with your wiener exposed, there’s no shame taking a leak in a stall.

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8. Tip the bathroom attendant 

Though they have no right being there, sometimes you rush into a public restroom and are confronted by a bathroom attendant awkwardly standing silent by the sinks. You don’t want to tip him because you’re capable of washing your own hands, but he’s just standing there. Like, RIGHT there.

Since skirting around him is difficult without seeming like some cheap asshole, just accept his assistance. If you’re going to be staying at the venue all night, your best bet is to tip him the first time (nothing drastic, of course) because after that first tip, you’ll feel less obligated to hand over cash throughout the night as you continue to empty your bladder throughout the evening.

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9. No musical accompaniment 

Taking a piss might not be the most entertaining activity, but please refrain from singing to yourself or making any kind of un-welcomed noise. We’re peeing, after all, and the elevator music echoing throughout the bathroom’s walls is an effective enough soundtrack for the activity.

10. If you’re peeing in a trough, all rules are off

Those things are intended for pigs, so unfortunately you’re going to have to behave like one.

And if all else fails, check out “Urine Black Holes.”

And here’s another guide for you: How To Have Sex On All The Furniture: An Important Guide