I Attempted To Shave My Ass Because GQ Wants Me To
My fiancee says I have a nice butt. I mean, her ass puts mine to shame but I appreciate the compliment nonetheless. You see, I’m fortunate that I don’t have a very hairy ass. Most of the hair just resides in the crack. And it’s very little at that.
As a result of this lack of butt hair, I’ve never considered shaving my ass. That is until I came across this article in GQ saying men should shave their asses. They don’t address why, exactly, but I figure it’s to level the sexual playing field between men and women. If she must manicure her most sensuous areas, so do we. Fair is fair.
Why does a man’s ass constitute as a sensuous area? Well, tons of guys are into butt stuff, according to sex toy manufacturer LELO. In a study, they found that 71 percent of straight men have tried — or admitted they’d like to try — experimenting with prostate massage. This, in addition to a 200 percent increase in prostate massager sales in 2015 as well as a prediction that doubles this number in 2016, and that works out to a healthy share of guys who are into butt stuff.
Taking GQ’s word for it, I deduced that later that day I’d be shaving my ass. So, all set up in the bathroom with a clipper, a razor and a cup of coffee, I opened GQ’s article to serve as guidance.
Only thing was, the piece offered very little in terms of technique and mostly recommended product (expensive product at that) for the procedure, advised you go see a “specialist” to remove butt hair and, for some indiscernible reason, started describing what a bidet is. Needless to say, I went to another article — this article — to help guide me instead.
This particular article recommended I use a hand mirror; but I’m a dude and therefore don’t have one so I went without. As such, my technique was less than advisable. I had placed my foot on the sink (which is about waist height on me) bent over a tad, and reluctantly went to work on my ass crack.
Based on this experience, the trimming of the crack itself isn’t so bad, but the visual definitely is. No man should ever have to look INSIDE himself from that angle. It’s demoralizing. And gross. Regardless, I had set out to do this, so I had to see it through. As I found (and many of you will find, if you choose to do this for some reason), your anus doesn’t like being exposed. So to rectify this, your butt uses its cheeks to serve as bouncers who keep your precious anus guarded, making it nearly impossible to get a clipper even remotely close.
Regardless, I did my best and figured I’d clear up any leftover hair with the razor. Again, I was wrong. Shaving with the razor is even more difficult than the clipper. Basically, your crack is FULL of shaving cream and you’re just hoping — praying — you don’t cut yourself. But you will. Nothing serious, but a nick here and there.
I won’t lie, guys, I gave up at this point out of frustration. I deemed that the clippers had done enough and shaving it completely clean was not only impossible, but stupid.
What I ultimately discovered was that there is no right way to shave your ass. It’s going to be a mess regardless which editorial guide you choose to use. The only way I could possibly see a man shave his ass effectively is if he crouches above a full length mirror so much that his cheeks spread right the f*ck open and he’s staring right into his brown eye.
The result was what I expected. My butt was baby smooth. It was pretty, presentable even. But was there any payoff? Not at all. My fiance never sees my butt crack anyway so when I told her what I had done her she was less than impressed.
I also found that by eliminating ass hair and stepping out into the warm climate, you develop soup ass in the worst way. Who knows, maybe GQ was right, this kind of thing is best left to the professionals.
Just in case it isn’t abundantly clear: No, I would not recommend you shave your ass. It’s incredibly difficult to do, demoralizing and there is absolutely NO payoff. If your butt resembles a Persian man’s forearm, maybe it is a good idea to shave the cheeks, but the crack is way too much work and the hair will grow back almost immediately. Even though I know you, like me, had no intention of shaving your ass, let this be an argument against the idea from someone who’s been there. Don’t do it. Even if GQ wants you to.
Now how about them pubes? The Great Shave Debate: Should You Shave, Trim Or Go Full Bush?