13 Types Of Weirdos You Encounter At The Gym
Before you angrily comment on this article and call me a bunch of names (as many of you enjoy doing), let me be the first one to say, “It takes one to know one.” I’m sure I am not a perfect gym member either. I am not super comfortable being there in the first place and typically try to get in, avoid people, and get out. However, I did catch myself laughing out loud while riding an exercise back and listening to a podcast last week, so I’m sure people around me thought I was a weirdo. That said, at least I am not THESE weirdos. These weirdos are super weird, annoying, often gross, and make working out all the more excruciating.
Sometimes “the grunter” is a very large man lifting a very large amount of weight, and although that is still off-putting, it makes sense. However, “the grunter” is frequently a normal or smaller-sized man doing sit-ups, and that is completely unnecessary and weird.
The Sweat Monster
No amount of gym-supplied paper towels can clean up the mess left behind by this freak. You’re better off never bench-pressing again than laying in a pool of this man’s filth.
The Wannabe American Idol
This is the guy wearing headphones but singing or rapping along just loud enough for others to hear because he thinks he’s good. He usually backs this up by shooting adoring glances at his own reflection in the mirrors.
The Clueless Maniac
You have never seen anyone perform a workout routine like this guy, and that’s because it is insane and highly dangerous. The “clueless maniac” often tends to sport a ponytail, as well.
The Waaayyy-Too-Old Guy
It’s really cool when elderly folks are still able to hit the gym and stay in shape, but this old dude has bandages all over his body and looks like he could die any second. Is anyone keeping an eye on him? Is there a paramedic on standby? If you are incredibly unlucky, you will also see this decrepit man naked in the locker room later.
The Guy Who Wants To Rotate In
There are literally dozens of empty machines and benches all around you, but this fool feels compelled to bother you at the leg press because he can’t stray from his workout regimen. When you reply that you only have one more quick set left, he asks if he can jump in with you anyway. Now you are sharing sweat with this prick, and even worse, he can lift way more than you.
No one has ever said “the couple who works out together stays together,” so stop pretending like working out with your girlfriend is a good thing. What’s more likely is that one of you is insanely jealous and can’t stand the thought of your significant other ogling other fit and fine-looking gym members when you are not around.
But on the other hand, if you are an ogler at the gym, you’re an awful human being and probably need to be locked up. Just stay home and watch gym porn like us normal men, you creep.
The Guy Looking To Make Friends
Speaking of creeps, this pathetic guy is the reason why you should only wear plain clothes to the gym. If you make the mistake of wearing a t-shirt featuring your college or favorite sports team, you better believe this clingy fella will find you. And he’ll chat you up. And he may follow you around. Next thing you know, you’re ignoring his friend request on Facebook and hoping he’s not a serial killer.
The Selfie Snapper
Unless you are Jen Selter (pictured above) or some other out-of-this-world fitness model who makes their living taking Instagram selfies, there is never a need to share a photo of yourself at the gym. Stop it.
The Guy Wearing Jeans
I’m no fitness expert, but I know that is not the proper attire. Jean shorts may seem like they’d be better than jeans, but they’re actually worse.
The Stretch Master
He’s been taking up a huge area on the mats for the past hour, but you’ve only seen him sit and stretch. His eyes are often closed, but he doesn’t appear to be meditating and that surely isn’t yoga. Couldn’t he do that shit at home?
This bro has all the best fitness advice you never asked for. He may catch you working your deltoids in a way that is not maximizing efficiency, and he just has to tell you about it. You know, in order to help you out, bro! If you really need to ask him a question later, just listen for loud grunting and you’ll find him.