Love, Lust and Restraining Orders: The Latest in Free Dating Apps

Although “dating season” might be over just before the holidays, it never hurt to have one of these handy-dandy dating apps to pass the most miserably lonely time of the year, because, hey, it’s better than buying a prostitute, are we right? Now have a look at the most popular dating apps, some newer than others, and find out which one would get you in the sack … um, we mean toward making a date … the fastest.

Dating Apps, It's a Match
We’ve all seen a number of terrifying Tinder moments as well as some genius Tinder players, but the app best suited for men who want to bed women in the most effortless manner still stands as one of the giants. Now with limited swipes right, unless you pay the $19.99 a month for unlimited swipes, the task of finding Miss Right Now requires a little more calculation. The app has gotten a few upgrades, including the one Super Like — try super creepy — that sits conveniently right next to the “No” button and the spacing between girls you matched and won’t talk to (the top horizontal list), above the list of the actual conversations (vertical list) where you spend most of your time trying to convince girls to talk dirty or plainly come over and bone.

Dating Apps, Bumble
Regarded as “Tinder for girls,” Bumble is the app that changes the rules in the girls’ favor, allowing only them to make the first move and putting a time limit of 24 hours on making that first move, too — before that love is lost. This avoids a false sense of chivalry and ultra creeps, and according to most women who use it, the quality of man is much higher in both physical and professional attributes. Sorry, boys, you’re better off creeping elsewhere, as these women apparently have some shred of self-respect, whatever that is. Looks like the girls are wearing the daddy pants now!

Dating Apps
Like Tinder, Happn focuses on matching people in close by, but this app also takes it to the next level by suggesting people you may have crossed paths with at some point, based on your built in GPS and possibly other personal information you didn’t voluntarily offer up. It’s almost as intrusive as “The Happening,” one of Rotten Tomatoes most rottenly reviewed movies, so bad you have to watch.

Dating Apps, Hinge
Think Facebook mutual friends, like Tinder, only this app’s more set on matching people in this manner, as opposed to complete stranger creeping. This, in turn, forces people to act accordingly, hopefully reducing the number of unsuspecting dick pictures and dry vagina phone rubs (I’m trying to start a new trend here!). Just select your interests, like brunch, desserts or other things gross people like to do when they have free hands, then choose from the five offered matches each day at noon. If that’s not enough, you’ll have to go outside! In the sunshine! With the people!

Coffee Meets Bagel
Dating Apps, Coffee Meets bagel
More popular on the East Coast, CMB curates a single “bagel,” or match, each day at noon — hey, that’s a little late for bagels — based on mutual friends and interest. Instead of blindly swiping until your fingerbanging fingers fall off, this gives you a quality over quantity take on finding someone of value. Probably more for the relationship interested than the fly-by-night philanderer, Coffee Meets Bagel is aptly named for delicious, long-lasting combos, unless of course you like cream in yours. Nailed it!

Dating Apps, Hitch
This is the worst app idea for guys: letting your friends do the matchmaking for you. That’s like the time they voted you the prom king — but they also voted for the scariest girl in school as the queen. With Hitch, your friends match you up with someone else, going by mutual friends, age and gender, and then you blindly head into a chat before you’re allowed to reveal yourself. Yep, that’s a train wreck speeding into town.

Down Dating
Dating Apps, Down Dating
Cut the foreplay and get right to the … foreplay. This app promotes itself as “honest dating,” where you select “sexy people” and wait for a match before you “get down.” If there were a quicker way to get HIV, other than dating you-know-who, we’d be amazed.

Dating Apps, Grindr
Because love knows no boundaries, especially if they’re right down the road. Okay, there is something quicker than Down Dating …