by Michelle Murad
Cover: spiderstock (Getty Images)
Dating is a big old bitch, especially online dating. Why are there so many dating apps? It’s like streaming services, why am I paying for all these individually all of a sudden? The disappointment is still the same, kind of like spending $100 on drinks with someone you’ll never speak to again that you were kind of planning on seeing naked eventually.
With so many dating apps, you’d think it’d be easier to find what you’re after. Even farmers and bagel lovers have their own exclusive apps. If you’re looking for the perfect match for you and your vegan dog: app, app, appity, app.
However, there’s a dating app yet to be invented we think will help us find just what we’re looking for.
Netflix’s very own infamous Tinder Swindler is the guy who can find what we love in men and women, and it’s much simpler and likely wouldn’t even require going anywhere. Imagine that!
The app, to be named Swindler of Love, is essentially an all-business approach to relationships that doesn’t leave your heart ripped out and smashed in a downtown Los Angeles public parking lot last Thursday night after they told you just how great you are and yet feel the need to continue sleeping with the rest of Los Angeles, but I digress.
Now I know what you might be thinking, “Why in fuck-sake would I want to download another dating app?”
Because dating is a full-time job and you better damn well take it seriously if you want it to work. At least that’s what my mom said to me last night after she told me to stop calling her crying when Wheel of Fortune is clearly on.
“Dating is like an interview for a job; not enough people treat it like the business it is. To be successful, you must treat dating like a business,” he said. So, charging?
Even legendary Jerry Seinfeld agrees, “Let’s face it, a date is a job interview that lasts all night. The difference between a date and a job interview is not many interviews is there a chance you’ll end up naked at the end.”
Clearly, Jerry hasn’t applied for a receptionist job at a start-up tech company.
Tinder Swindler, itself, is designed to match you with someone who possesses exactly what you need, very transactional, and leaves you completely satisfied, even if the person you go out with might disagree.
The app isn’t at all complicated. To make sure you are the perfect fit, there’s a simple screening process you’ll need to pass:
1. PayPal Account
This is just to verify that you are, in fact, a living breathing human with credentials that are verifiable.
2. Selfie on a Private Jet (Easily Forged)
You might be thinking, Why do I need to lie about who I am? Shouldn’t I be honest and meet someone who matches that? Well sure, but we think that showing your best possible potential is both aspirational and attracts the right caliber of people. You want to aim for the stars, and if you only land on the moon, that’s not so bad. You don’t want to land in the gutter, right?
This simply helps with meeting people from all around the world who might be available to you. Think of all the different kinds of people out there you could attract! Also, it’s not as easily traceable.
4. $30K of Fuck-You Money
Having a bit of disposable income makes it a lot easier for you to invest in something you love, doesn’t it?
5. A Smile (Goes a Long Way)
Anyone who tells you to smile more knows just how great it feels to smile, so much so they feel compelled to tell every beautiful person with a frown to turn it upside down. How inspirational!
6. Little to No Expectations
Now, just because you expect to find what you love doesn’t guarantee it. Just keep an open mind. If you have no expectations, you’ll never be disappointed. Make sense?
7. Be a Yes! person
No matter where the conversation goes, say yes! If they want to whisk you away on a private plane to San Francisco for a late dinner, say yes! If they want to know if you could help them out of a bind, say yes! If they need to know your social security number to verify you, too, are a real person, give it to them!
In the end, we promise at least one of you will find what you’re looking for. See below for our favorite testimonial.
“Money. True love is money. That’s all people are looking for in dating apps. Sex and money. And the sex might cost money. Even if you find someone who seems like a good match, they’re really just waiting for you to leave the room so they can take pictures of your credit cards. So just give it to us, I mean them, already and move on because the second you download any dating app, you’ve already lost.”
Now go watch Wheel of Fortune over with the phone with your mother. And don’t waste more money buying vowels when you already know the puzzle.
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