The Indisputable Halloween Candy Pyramid

The Food Pyramid has been a staple of healthy eating for years. People rely on it to whip their diets back into shape, especially when they’ve been enjoying fats, oils and sweets more than sparingly. But since it’s Halloween, we’ve decided to focus only on the sweets and have created a hierarchy in the Halloween candy universe. We present to you the official and indisputable Halloween Candy Pyramid.

God Tier: Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups, Kit Kat, Twix, Skittles

Great Tier: Snickers, Peanut M&M’s, Sour Patch Kids, Starburst, Nerds, Reese’s Pieces, anything gummi

Pretty Good Tier: Twizzlers, Milky Way, Nestle Crunch, Plain M&M’s, 100 Grand, Butterfinger, 3 Musketeers, Baby Ruth, Jolly Ranchers, SweeTarts, Life Savers, Gobstoppers, Blow Pops, Hershey’s Miniatures, Hershey’s Kisses

Decent Tier: Smarties, Fun Dip, gum, Junior Mints, Charleston Chews, Payday, Rolos, plain Hershey bars, gag candy (Fun Fangs, Skull Pops, gummy fingers, candy eyeballs, candy blood), Red Hots, Lemonheads, Atomic Fireballs, AirHeads, Swedish Fish, WarHeads, York Peppermint Patties, Laffy Taffy, Pixie Stix

Crappy Tier: Gold Chocolate Coins, Heath bars, Whoppers, generic hard candy, jelly beans or anything similar (Dots, Mike and Ike, Jujyfruits), Mounds, Almond Joy, Milk Duds, anything homemade in plastic baggies and possibly poisoned (i.e., popcorn balls, “puppy chow,” Rice Krispies treats, peanut brittle), old people candy (Werther’s Original, Bit-O-Honey), Tootsie Rolls, Tootsie Pops, Now and Laters, Mentos, Sixlets, Candy Apples, mints

Total Shit Tier: candy corn, apples, raisins, toothpaste and floss, ramen, pencils, packets of soy sauce/ketchup/mustard, napkins, miniature Bibles