The 10 Struggles Of Cuddling With Your Significant Other In Bed At Night
The type of sleeper you are can make or break a relationship. If you can’t sleep next to someone, then can you truly love them? That may be a bit dramatic, but having to cuddle with your partner at night can affect how well you sleep and determine if you’d prefer more nights next to them or slipping out after dark to actually be able to get a full night’s sleep. Here are 10 struggles of cuddling with your significant other in bed.
The Floating Arm
You want to spoon so you can each still have your own pillows but be as close as possible. The top arm isn’t a problem because you can drape it over your partner, but the bottom one is a complete nightmare. Do you just stick it straight up in the air like you’re answering a question no one asked, or do you tuck it under yourself and lay like you’re being shot out of a cannon? Either way you’re going to end up moving it back and forth the entire night like some sort of phantom floating arm. There is another option, however …
The Dead Arm
In this move you tuck your bottom arm under your partner, which fits so much better and seems like the right call for a while, but eventually things are going to go wrong. The problem is that, at some point, the blood is going to stop flowing to said arm and it’s going to fall asleep. Now each tiny movement your partner makes is going to feel like a thousand crickets pogo-sticking on needles into your arm. You’re like James Franco in “127 Hours” if it took place on a Sleep Number bed.
Locked Into Place
Your partner snuggles in and everything feels right in the world. You’ve both found a sleep position that works perfectly for each of you. Then four hours later your body feels like your veins are full of tar and you’d give anything to move around and adjust so you no longer feel like your bones have been replaced with Stonehenge. Too bad, because your partner is now deadweight on top of you and pinning you down like the unprepared MMA fighter you are. Tap out all you want because you aren’t going anywhere.
If you sleep with your mouth open, it’s going to look like the shower drain of a YWCA by morning with the amount of hair that you’ve sucked into it. You never realized how much hair she has until this moment. When did you climb down to the bottom of a well and start dating the girl from “The Ring”? I don’t know, but she’s here now and you’re in love, so you might as well get used to it.
You had better hope and pray that whomever you’re sleeping next to doesn’t do that move where they’re sort of asleep and start dreaming then, in their dream, someone tosses them a basketball and they toss their arms up in reality with no regard to what’s actually happening. You will end up getting punched in the face more than a white tiger at Mike Tyson’s house.
Wake up, I have to pee
The best part about cuddling is that the two of you basically become one. It sounds romantic, but what it actually means is when one of you needs to get up and go to the bathroom it requires surgically removing the other person so you can get up and pee. You could have all the Operation board game skills in the world, but no amount of slithering and maneuvering will get you out of that situation with a sleeping partner.
At some point one of you may get hot while the other gets really cold. The reason this probably happened is because one of you slowly started wrapping yourself in the blanket like a burrito until you were pretty much in a cocoon of warmth and comfort, while the other poor soul is left shivering and alone like a plastic bag in a Katy Perry video. You can try to fight and claw for a small piece of blanket, but we all know that’s a battle you’re going to lose.
Living on the Edge
The problem with one person trying to snuggle in as close as possible to another sleeping person is that the snuggled is going to continue to inch closer and closer towards the edge of the bed like an eroding beach. Eventually you’re going to be dangling off the side “Cliffhanger”-style, bracing for a fall and wishing you’d gone with carpet instead of hardwood flooring.
Are you getting kicked? Elbow dropped? The “Rock Bottom”? It’s hard telling, but somehow you wake up every morning with bruises all over your legs. It would be astounding if it weren’t so frustrating and annoying.
You Can Never Go Back
As much as you complain and squirm while cuddling, the only thing that could possibly be worse is spending a night alone and rolling over to have your arm fall straight to the mattress. Maybe it’s not so bad after all and you should just appreciate that there’s actually someone who wants to spoon your sweaty old body anyway.
More helpful advice for you and yours: A Handy Guide To Sleeping Positions For Couple