Don’t Knock These 18 Things Until You’ve Tried ‘Em
They say you hate what you fear. And what people fear the most is the unknown.
A wise person always tries something new every day. A dumb person refuses to jump in headfirst into new experiences for the sake of never changing or conformity. These are a few things that I’ve discovered to be completely legit, and I’m sure many of you out there might agree.
Once you go bare, you never go back. It is freeing in every way. It’s also proven to be good for your health. If you have the means, I’d highly recommend it.
Beers in a bathtub
It’s almost as therapeutic as hot stone massages. If you’re ever stressed, please, soak in some suds and drink in some suds. I’m actually writing this article in the bathtub on my third Guinness. I plan to stay here all day.
Peeing sitting down
I tried this when I was 12, and I’ve been doing it ever since. My friends don’t get it. My ex-girlfriend didn’t get it. But hey, screw them. I’m a big boy, and I have bad aim anyway.
Pabst Blue Ribbon
They say only rednecks and hipsters drink Pabst. And it’s true, they make up the vast majority of cases. However, the uniqueness of such a flavor available at such a cheap price is unparalleled ($7.99 a 12-pack). I will be switching from Guinness to Pabst in a bit.
Going to the movies by yourself
Who needs friends anyway? Logically speaking, you can pay 100 percent of your attention and be unburdened by conversation and make the $10 count.
Saying “Hail Satan” right before you hang up on a telemarketer
Hearing them say “What?” right before you hang up is golden. I did this five years ago and I still wake up in the middle of the night laughing.
Sodomy is frowned upon in certain segments of society, and even illegal in some countries. But as they say, one man’s trash is another man’s treasure. And butthole pleasure is a treasure indeed.
Drinking in a movie theater
What you do: Get a girl with a purse. Pack in six beers (or nine if you can fit it). Prepare to be blown away by the experience. However, one needs to be extra cautious once you get inside. Once I kicked over a bottle and it rolled down the entire theater floor. I whistled to myself and no one noticed. Win.
French fries and mayonnaise
The Europeans have it right. I know it’s almost taboo to even think about dipping anything in mayonnaise, but a little potato-on-mayo action is a glorious combination that will have you believing in Jesus in no time.
We published an article in May claiming that there were no attractions in Idaho. We were lying. The state’s unofficial slogan is “Welcome to Idaho – Now Go Home!” Sneaky bastards. They like to keep it a big secret, and for good reason.
It is a land of intense beauty. You can enjoy true sanctuary if you hate people – it’s one of the least densely populated states in America – and shoot guns without hopping through bureaucratic hoops to do so. I completely understand why Idahoans want no one to know about it – I wouldn’t want hippies from Oregon flooding into my state either.
Wiping from back to front
The Internet is rife with debates about the best way to wipe. To me, there is no contest. God gave us a space between our legs on the pot for a reason. It’s quicker and more convenient.
Shopping in thrift stores
It’s one of the few things Macklemore got right. If you spend $80 for a pair of jeans at Macy’s, you’re wasting your money. There is no shame in buying a new wardrobe for under $50. That is, unless you like being poor.
I can’t even count how many poor, ignorant souls (and ex-friends of mine) have denounced “South Park” as immature potty humor. It is, but over the past decade it’s evolved into one of the smartest television shows out there. There’s a reason why Matt and Trey won nine Tony Awards for “The Book of Mormon.”
It may give you explosive diarrhea, but it’s worth it.
Dear government, the majority of Americans support its legalization. Do the right thing.
Mel Gibson’s directing/writing work
“Braveheart,” “Apocalypto,” “Get the Gringo.” Sure, Mel isn’t the most savvy at public relations, but boy does he know how to make a movie.
Peeing in public
There are various tricks of the trade you can use to evade authorities and hide the creepiness. Once you’ve mastered this art, you will then be able to enjoy a day in the city without fear of pissing yourself or paying a quarter to empty your bladder.
Peeing on an anthill
Nothing makes you feel more powerful.