10 Ridiculous Published Sex Positions That Will Definitely Send You To The Emergency Room

Every guy likes himself some sex. This is a well-established notion perpetuated by both pop culture and the fact that 85% of the websites that men visit are pornographic. In order to satisfy this perversion, a couple may want to introduce some new moves to their sexual repertoire every now and then. You know, switch it up a bit. So, like most people seeking information, we turn to the Internet.

Some websites, you will find, display a generous bounty of worthwhile positions while others offer a library of options that seemingly set out to murder you. The following 10 positions represent the latter.

10 Ridiculous Published Sex Positions That Will Definitely Send You To The Emergency Room

1. THE EROTIC ACCORDION

Let’s first point out that the position is weak based on its overarching name: there is nothing remotely erotic about an accordion; it’s the least erotic instrument known to man. Even musicians playing accordions know this. But more importantly: she looks like she’s taking a dump, doesn’t she?

2. THE OVERPASS
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She’s resting on her neck and shoulders trying to hide her double chin while you try to figure out how in the hell you’re supposed to get your penis inside her. The trick to this one is that you have to understand that your penis will be bent on an unrealistic angle – and that you’ll be facing away from her. We suggest you make it worth your while and face toward a TV with Netflix or something.

3. LUSTY LEG LIFT

If she wants to pull a leg muscle in the worst way, then by all means test-drive the Lusty Leg Lift. The position, though only physically feasible for ballerinas or acrobats, asks both parties to stand upright, while her lifted leg rests almost parallel to her body. If you happen to have a foot fetish, you’re in luck, because you’ll be staring straight at them.

4. POGO STICK

Let me first state that no, your penis will not be used as a vehicle to jump to greater heights in this position. Instead, facing each other and standing upright, you must lift your lady-friend’s bottom high enough so you can impale her with your Johnson as you support her bodyweight with just your arms. Meanwhile, she’s struggling to keep her head parallel with your chest to achieve some sort of intimacy. She’ll eventually give up and hang off of your penis like a tube sock.

5. PAIR OF TONGS

Despite being a proficient utensil for tossing salad, no tossing of the salad is required from either party when performing the Pair Of Tongs. Instead, you must lift your lady like a human guitar and dangle her in front of you while your dangle penetrates her. What’s also happening in this mess of limbs, is one of her legs is unnecessarily situated in between both of yours and she uses one arm on the floor to haphazardly support herself. You stand upright, and she is 100% sideways. Dumb.

6. THE TRIPLE LINDY

If your penis had the strength to lift a woman on her own, The Triple Lindy would be a cinch. But, alas, it can’t, and your penis disappoints you yet again. You, standing upright, must hoist a woman facing the same direction you’re in and up onto your baby-maker. With her legs swept behind your back and her arms holding her body upright, you then thrust away as you look into the back of her head and she, off into some distant sunset.

7. THE LONDON BRIDGE

Begin by doing a crab walk, then have her sit on your penis as if you’re a human table with a penis strapped to it. Your job is to then support her weight using your hips and either attempt to thrust, or have her own that responsibility since you’re already in a compromising position that looks like you’re trying to stab the ceiling with your boner.

8. TORRID TUG OF WAR

Like a classic game of tug of war, this position is played by proving who is stronger. But, instead of pulling a rope, you pull each other’s arms until, presumably, you rip both of hers right out of their sockets. If this does indeed happen, use her disembodied arms to give yourself a hand job.

9. PASSION PROPELLER

You might look at this position and see two people just lying on top of each other. Looks comfortable, right? Well, if my recollection of the female anatomy serves me correctly, a woman’s vagina doesn’t begin at the thigh and follow down to the knee. Therefore, a man’s penis would have to be bent to a painful angle to be inserted upright into the vagina. Not for me.

10. ANAL BUMPER CARS

As if there was any way to out-do the Passion Propeller, it’s somehow been done. Witness the aptly named Anal Bumper Cars position. Like the Passion Propeller, your penis is impossibly positioned, but this time, you’re facing down, and you’re in her, well…bumper. After you somehow manage to do this, you’re then tasked with a game of bumper butts to penetrate her brown eye.