The Horniest Animals on Earth

The average person has sex 103 times a year. The average married couple, per my own independent research, has sex only when the sadness has evaporated long enough for classic face-to-face coitus. Forty-eight percent of folks are satisfied with their sex lives, leaving the other 52 percent to wish they were one of these animals.


Dolphins attempt to rape people, spread herpes and commit suicide over unrequited love. They also masturbate using dead fish. It has been suggested they have sex 50 times a day and often do it family-style.


The wacky sex lives of bonobos are widely documented. Did you know males often fence each other with their penises? Did you know that in a sort of quasi act of scissoring, females rub their clitorises against each other two times an hour? Even your common daily greeting is expressed through dirty, nasty, unencumbered sex. And these guys share 98 percent of our DNA.


Lions sleep 20 hours a day. The rest? Boning. Experts have seen lions bang as much as 100 times in 24 hours, which sounds impressive until you learn each session lasts 10 seconds on average. Male lions often kill their cubs so they can go back to bumping uglies with Mom.


Who knew hippos were German? In order to attract unsuspecting females, males shit and piss and swing their tails in a helicopter-like fashion which in turn hurls their feces 360 degrees. The female, impressed by the trick, gives in to the wooing and leads the male to a nearby pool, where the plus-size pumpin’ commences.


Female giraffes urinate in the mouths of male giraffes. Males taste the females’ urine to see if they are ovulating or not. While not exactly a qualifier for innate horniness, we can agree that this discipline is only practiced by the hornier of humans. Once the male is done swishing the pee around in his mouth, he then mounts the female. After sex, the male giraffe removes the plastic from the couch and pays her cab fare.

Shaw’s Jirds

These North African rodents can fornicate 240 times in 60 minutes. Little rascals they are, they multiply with such abandon they are now considered a scourge in countries they inhabit.


These little marsupials are semelparous, meaning, they f**k till they die. The antechinus is native to Australia, and they are part of a small group of mammals that perish after they bang for the first time. The male finds a female, violently humps it for days, eventually bleeds internally and loses autoimmunity, and alas succumbs to death.


Fruit bats enjoy the fruits of oral sex before they screw. And according to a study, echolocation – the preferred method of bat communication – involves sending sexually suggestive messages to anyone who will listen. I can only imagine what’s being said: “Anyone DTF?”