The Greatest Asses Of Hollywood, Ranked
There was once a time that asses played second fiddle to the breast. But thanks to the slew of big-assed celebrities I’ve had the pleasure of ranking below, our collective gazes have ventured south. And now we’re all about the booty.
So much, in fact, that thousands of women (even some men) have undergone elective surgery to reap the unattainable asses of Hollywood’s hottest celebrities. According to statistics from the American Society of Aesthetic Plastic Surgeons, over 21,000 patients underwent butt augmentation surgery in 2014, an 86 percent increase from 2013.
Surgeons claim Kim Kardashian is the main inspiration behind these surgeries, and Kim’s actually one of the many celebrities included on this exclusive list you’ve just clicked on.
This list is a compilation of the greatest asses in Hollywood. Given this task (one that I don’t take lightly), I’ve taken a close look at the greatest celebrity asses and judged them on three not-so-simple categories: (1) look, (2) texture and (3) talent. Based on these categories, I present to you, the greatest asses of Hollywood.
10. Pippa Middleton
The royal wedding was a media maelstrom that saw women waking up in the early, early morning to witness Prince William marry his wife, Duchess of Cambridge, Kate Middleton. Apparently, it was quite romantic.
9. Eva Mendes
A photo posted by Eva Mendes Fans (@evamendesfans) on
Eva Mendes is sex on a stick. A stick that happens to boast incredible curves. In fact, YouTube user and possible pervert “AmazingAssCelebs” agrees, and was wonderfully generous when he created a video completely dedicated to her so-called “perfect ass.” See it here.
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I know Shakira’s not really that relevant anymore, but the talent encompassed in those hips that refuse to lie are certainly worthy of mention. Shakira was shaking her ass long before twerking was sensationalized, so I must give credit where credit is due.
Beyonce is untouchable. If you speak one word of ill-will about the pop icon, the illuminati will assassinate you. This is fact. Since that’s the case, all I will say is that Beyonce’s booty is nice, but it’s nothing great. (Please don’t kill me!)
Perhaps this is because her booty hasn’t been surgically altered, which is definitely worth mentioning when considering others on the list, but she is still the entity responsible for coining the term “bootylicious,” which is not only a word I refuse to use in this article because of its pop cultural implications, but can now be found in the Oxford English Dictionary as well.
Sofia Vergara is the personification of feminine sexuality. Her body is like an artist’s sculpture of the female ideal and to my knowledge, she’s 100 percent the real deal. It’s a shame about that obnoxious accent, though.
5. Kylie Jenner
A photo posted by King Kylie (@kyliejenner) on
While undeniably fake, her current ass shows Jenner’s surgeon did some good work. It was money well spent. But since she’s put more emphasis on her lips than her ass, it doesn’t seem right to place Jenner any higher on the list.
Seeing as Jenner is only 19, we can assume her ass will only get better as she matures, and we look forward to seeing what pending surgeries can do to Kim’s future replacement.
4. Nicki Minaj
Minaj’s “Anaconda” video pretty much solidifies her rank in this article. She can work that gigantic ass with the best of them, which is no easy feat when your ass is three to four times the size of the average citizen’s.
Personally, I think Minaj’s ass has gone too far. It’s too big. While her shape looks nice in videos and various media that can properly dress and digitally alter her shape, when you see that thing in profile without any photo treatments, it delivers almost an opposite effect. That baby’s going to sag. It’s going to sag hard.
3. Amber Rose
A photo posted by Amber Rose (@amberrose) on
Some of you may not be familiar with Rose, but she’s an ex of both Kanye West and Wiz Khalifa who’s evidently made the most of her 15 minutes of fame by posing nude, twerking on Instagram and becoming something of a feminist activist despite doing things that convey the opposite. But hey, we’re not complaining.
What puts Amber in the top-three tier are her booty’s incomparable talents. As a former stripper, Rose knows how to work her glutes in ways that are nothing short of fascinating. I’d pay very good money for front row seats to see that thing in action and you would too. Don’t believe me? Check this video out.
While one could argue that Kim’s ass is just as big (if not bigger) than others’ I’ve already referenced as “too big,” all I can say to that is Kim’s butt is arguably more famous than Kim herself. And Kim’s pretty damn famous.
Kim’s ass is a national treasure. An imprint in society that will be referenced when our children have children, and so on and so forth. While sure, the amount of money that goes into maintaining that thing could probably pay for my house in a year, there are few asses that have made as much of an international impact than Kim’s has, as fake or authentic it may be.
A photo posted by Jennifer Lopez (@jlo) on
This was by far the easiest decision I had to make on the list. JLo’s infamous ass has withstood the test of time and has only gotten better with age. She is, in a way, the OG of ass fascination.
Lopez’s delicious derriere was the first ever admired in such a frenzied way and it’s one that continues to please. If any of you disagree with my decision to put Jennifer Lopez in the top spot, all I ask is that you check out her video for “Booty” and try to dispute this. Just try it.