Why You Should Be Having Much Wilder Easter Parties

Today is Easter, celebrated by Christians as the day Jesus rose from the grave. Many kids are tearing through Easter baskets, eating unfettered fistfuls of chocolate, spreading Paas-brand color tablets all over their future egg salad sandwiches, and perhaps eating specially prepared hams. Egg hunts too. Don’t forget hunting for hidden eggs. Hint: If you find at least one more hard-boiled egg than was hidden, don’t crack open any of them

Let’s face it: Easter traditions are kind of square. Unlike Christmas or Halloween, Easter doesn’t have much of an edge to it. One can’t get Easter cocktails, for instance. There are no “sexy” Easter outfits at your local trashy lingerie outlet, and strippers most certainly don’t do sexy Easter Bunny strip teases (although a few playfully sacreligious dancers may do a sexy Jesus). 

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But why must Easter remain in the realm of the square? Indeed, there are several good reasons why Easter should be one of the more debauched holidays we have. 

For one, Easter is not just a holiday attached to the Resurrection. Indeed, its placement at the beginning of the Spring has caused some historians to note that it is tied in with even more ancient fertility holidays from even more ancient religious traditions. Eggs are said to represent the empty cross, but it’s easy to see that eggs also represent fertility. That may also be why rabbits are associated with the holiday. Because it’s springtime, and everything under the banner of Mother Nature is shagging itself silly. Easter is a great time to go out and to have a lot of sex. 

Secondly, Easter is connected to Mardi Gras. The February holiday, also called Shrove Tuesday or Fat Tuesday, is usually seen as a random excuse to get wasted and flash strangers in public (as is our God-given right). What it is actually celebrating – and many forget this – is the last day of debauchery right before Ash Wednesday. Ash Wednesday is the first day of Lent, the 7-week fasting period that precedes Easter. Mardi Gras, then, is an excuse to eat, drink, and boink everything you intend to give up in the proceeding 40 days. The Lenten fast ends on Easter Sunday. 

So now that the fast is over, and you have a chance to take up all those bad habits you tried to abstain from, why no go whole hog? True a lot of the revelers in Mardi Gras don’t end up giving anything up, using the holiday as an excuse for delicious sin. But if that’s true, why not due the same on Easter? We’re back! Let’s do naughty things again. Easter is, in many ways, a celebratory return to bad habits. Resurrect your party self! 

Which means, this Easter, you had better crack out with the booze, the impromptu orgies, the overeating, and the foolish behavior in public. I implore all local bars to invent special Easter cocktails, noted for their potency, and sell them in large quantities. I humbly ask that strip clubs the world over turn Easter into one of their primary causes célèbre. Let’s make Easter dirty again. Or for the first time.

Top Image: Universal

Witney Seibold is a regular contributor to Crave, and the co-host of The B-Movies Podcast. He also contributes to Legion of Leia and to Blumhouse. You can follow him on “The Twitter” at@WitneySeibold, where he is slowly losing his mind.