‘Tetris: The Movie’ Is a Thing
We thought Hollywood was really scraping the barrel when they made chicken-burrito-centric Battleship back in 2012, and we all had a hearty chuckle over the subsequent jokes about Operation: The Movie, Mouse Trap: The Movie, Ouija Board: The Movie, and Candyland: The Movie. Luckily, none of those were actual planned feature films in any studio’s pipeline. Oh wait, Candyland is in the pipeline. Oh wait. Ouija is too.
According to The Wall Street Journal, Threshold Entertainment is currently planning an epic sci-fi space opera based on the 1984 puzzle-based video game Tetris, one of the most popular games in the medium’s history.
Tetris has no story, no characters, and no context for what the player is doing. One merely fits together oddly-shaped blocks to form straight lines. So what the heck is the movie going to be about? Threshold CEO Larry Kasanoff explains: “Brands are the new stars of Hollywood.” He also explains that “It’s a very big, epic sci-fi movie.” Any hints as to the story? “We have a story behind Tetris, which makes it a much more imaginative thing.” He also hinted coyly that “what you [will] see in Tetris is the teeny tip of an iceberg that has intergalactic significance.”
Threshold entertainment previously backed the 1995 and 1997 Mortal Kombat feature films, and has worked on LEGO, Marvel, and Star Wars projects. So they perhaps know from imagination. I think audiences will only be happy if they include the famous Tetris theme music. Indeed, let’s listen to it now!
Witney Seibold is a contributor to the CraveOnline Film Channel, and co-host of The B-Movies Podcast. You can read his weekly Trolling articles here on Crave, and follow him on “Twitter” at @WitneySeibold, where he is slowly losing his mind.