Uber Driver Takes Dump in Passenger’s House, Gives Zero Stars For Lack of Hard Candies and Body Spray
For Uber drivers who are constantly on the go, the best place to desperately unload a day’s worth of Funions and Big Gulps is inside the house of one of their passengers. And while this may seem like an incredibly convenient perk of the job, entering the home of a complete stranger is not always a walk in the park. Take the example of actress and bathroom owner Gabrielle Union. After a recent night of celebrating with friends, Union took an Uber home only to discover that she would be hosting what is known in the industry as an “Uber dump.”
Had she been prepared ahead of time, Union could have successfully accommodated her driver’s needs. But blindsided as she was, her bathroom was neither stocked with hard candies nor contemporary reading material. As a result, she received a zero-star rating–a designation letting other drivers know that Union’s house (which she shares with NBA star Dwayne Wade), is not a good place for an Uber dump. Don’t be like Gabrielle Union. Ensure that next time you Uber home after a hard night of drinking, your commode is prepared for any unexpected guest of honor with these five-star tips.
Photo: Eva-Katalin (Getty Images)
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Having a clean space for your Uber driver is the first priority for bathroom basics. If possible, you want it to be freshly scrubbed and smell lightly of gardenias.
The first thing your driver will notice when they sit down is what kind of reading material you've provided. Make sure you stock a variety of the latest publications as well as a few bathroom classics. You're looking for material that is stimulating and absorbing but not so challenging that the sphincter clenches.
Candles and Sprays
To further assist your guest in crafting a relaxing, scented environment, leave a toilet spray on top of the toilet that can be spritzed into the atmosphere as needed. Provide high quality, artisanal candles (no Yankee Candle brand) preferably with a wooden wick. And don't forget a box of easy-strike matches within arm's reach.
Complimentary Bathrobe and Slippers
If you want your Uber driver to feel comfortable whilst visiting your home, a complimentary bathrobe and slippers are a must. Make sure they are size-appropriate and freshly laundered. No one wants to put on a soiled robe.
Bidet and TP Options
Double-check the bidet is working and spraying with adequate pressure. Leave a pyramid of toilet paper options from ultra plush to motel grade sandpaper, all properly labeled. It's good to be prepared for anything as you never know what kind of finisher your driver will be, and you don't want to alienate them at the finish line.
Snacks and Drinks
He could be in there a while. Best to setup an array of snacks, including candies, cakes, sours, nuts, and jerky, plus a cooler of beverages to tide him over mid-dump.
Interesting Cabinet Items
On their way out, your driver may want to peruse some of the more personal items you keep in your cabinet. Make the reveal worth the effort by putting some good prescription drugs in there, as well as unexpected items that will set your bathroom visit apart from other run-of-the-mill experiences.
Don't Check In On Them
You don't want to make your Uber driver feel rushed or unwanted. Give them the space they deserve. They'll come out when they're good and ready.
Good Soaps and Lotions
After using a stranger's bathroom, your driver might feel a bit icky. Nothing comforts and cleanses the road-weary traveler like good soaps and lotions. After all, when they step out of your loo and back into their car, they'll want to be smelling fresh and ready for their next fare, not like a man with cold sweats who just dropped a deuce in your upstairs wash closet. The lingering scent of lemon verbena on their wrists will remind them to leave you that fifth star every time. Guaranteed.