‘Dick Fish’ Wash Ashore by the Thousands in California, Our Worst Nightmare Has Finally Manifested

After a breakup, somebody inevitably says, “Well, there’s plenty of fish in the sea,” and your response is usually, “Whatever, they’re all dicks.” Well, now you can point to science as proof of this. In a nightmare scenario for all phallophobics, thousands of “dick fish” (aka Urechis caupo, for all of you intellectuals) washed ashore on a California beach. A man named David Ford was taking a midday stroll when he noticed thousands of these veiny members. Not one to be jerked around, Ford immediately got closer to investigate the scene. Listening to his head instead of his heart, Ford picked up one of the fish to take a quick dick(fish) pic. And then the internet exploded.

Ivan Barr, a writer for Bay-Nature, attempted to explain the phenomena while also, much to our collective chagrin, debunking the idea that Lorena Bobbitt went on a serial castration streak. Turns out, these creepy creatures aren’t dick fish at all — they’re actually “fat innkeeper worms.” Somehow, that makes it worse. From now on, any time we go to the beach, we’re gonna keep our heads above water. Both of ’em.

Cover Photo: Kate Montana, iNaturalist

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