Octopus Takes MDMA and Gives Handsiest Hug Ever Without Consent, Immediate #MeToo Whistle Blown
An octopus seeks relief from an aquatic court over allegations that he hugged a co-worker without consent. In a motion filed recently, the octopus claims that the fault lies with the scientists who dosed his tank with pure MDMA to research the effects of the drug on cephalopod behavior, specifically human-like emotions that would indicate serotonin release in the brain. As it turns out, octopuses do respond to MDMA similarly to humans, with feelings of warmth, tenderness and an affinity for dance music. The plaintiff alleges that the defendant began inappropriately hugging “with no less than seven protruding members of his body.” But the defendant argues that he was temporarily insane due to the drugs in his system. Lawyers agree that a judgment may be difficult, citing previous cases that set precedent favoring each party. The courts have asked the public to weigh in by reviewing similar cases below.
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This cat broke into the doghouse and engaged in cuddles while the dog was asleep but was later acquitted by a federal court judge despite overwhelming evidence. Many speculate his ties to the Crown may have played a role in his acquittal.
What started off as one of the highest-profile cases of the year ended abruptly when both parties married three weeks later in a civil ceremony and all charges were dropped. They now live together on a farm in New Hampshire. Both are in counseling.
This kangaroo has been stripped of his boxing license and is currently facing harassment charges. Eyewitnesses claim he is innocent and being unfairly targeted for remarks he made on Twitter eight years ago that have since been deleted.
Both parties were found to be consenting adults at the time of this incident, although the white dog was later arrested for soliciting bacon bits without a license.
Mittens was found guilty by a jury of his peers and sentenced to 18 months in Sing Sing. His lawyers are appealing on a technicality, citing his juvenile status as a reason for dismissal.
This chicken is currently pressing charges and will not stop until he has his day in court.
Bear claimed he was given MDMA by a wandering hobo, which made him act uncharacteristically handsy against his wishes. The court found trace amounts of the drug in his system and ruled in his favor, which could have major implications in the octopus case.
The accused was working for the Catholic Church at the time and has since been called back to the Vatican to await reassignment. The case was settled out of court.
This raccoon was caught on video moments before hugging a tree and was found guilty of harassment. The tree later admitted that the raccoon was responding to advances made by the tree. His lawyer is currently appealing the decision.