7 Ways To Fight Climate Change (While Letting Everyone Know Just How Manly You Are)
If you’ve been wanting to do something about climate change, but fear your masculinity will be questioned if you do, you’re not alone. According to a new study out of Penn State University, men believe engaging in eco-friendly behavior (like carrying a reusable tote bag to the grocery store) makes them appear feminine and sexually ambiguous. And the risk of not appearing manly, it turns out, slightly outweighs the risk of total annihilation via a catastrophic ecological event. In light of this, we’ve come up with a cheat sheet on how to save the planet while looking ruggedly masculine at the same time. Now no one will ever ostracize you for using a reusable straw or energy-efficient lightbulb again. Either way, Mother Nature needs our help. Time to man up.
Photo: Blake Little (Getty Images)
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Stop the Construction of Gas Pipelines Using Bicep-Showcasing Chokeholds
Show off your planet-loving principles and your awesome biceps in one fell swoop by challenging your local congressman to a wrestling match and putting him in a chokehold until he taps out of Big Oil. Not only will you be stopping the flow of toxic chemicals, you'll look super ripped doing it.
Sport A Tote Bag With A Picture of Chuck Norris On It
Tote bags aren't just for old ladies and people who recently got back from a yoga retreat. Put your man-stamp on that sucker so it screams manhood every time you strut into Trader Joe's to stock up on cheap cereal.
Donate To An Environmental Cause, Angrily
Some organizations are doing great work to help clean our rivers and oceans, save the rainforests, and fight pollution. Let them know they're doing great work by donating in a loud, angry voice. Then intimidate them to keep up the good work, or else. Slam the phone down to end the call for extra bro points.
Do Laundry While Wearing Army Fatigues and Grunting
Harness the planet's old-school solar and wind power by hanging your clothes out to dry. Set judgmental neighbors straight by wearing army fatigues (preferably blood-stained) and periodically grunting while slapping your arms. No one will ever question your masculinity again.
Drive An Electric Car...Like A Dick
Going gasless is one of the best moves you can make to help curb the effects of climate change. But before any other drivers get confused about just what kind of a guy you are, yell something out your window, then tailgate them for a few blocks at high speeds. They might notice you're out here healing the planet, but they'll still think you're a macho dickhead.
Recycle Beer Cans After Smashing Them On Your Skull
Make recycling great again by drinking tons of beer with your buddies and stuffing the blue bin until it's overflowing with crushed cans. Let the world know you have cans. The best cans. There will be nothing but respect after that.
Upgrade To Energy-Efficient Windows
Reducing your carbon footprint can be as simple as upgrading your home to be more energy-efficient. Just make sure every home improvement project is performed like an action sequence out of a Jason Bourne movie, and no one will have any doubts about who wears the pants in the house as you're carted off to the hospital with life-threatening injuries.