bath salts
Woman screams as she comes face to face with one of the hideous aliens invading Earth. Meanwhile, flying saucers rain destruction down on everything they see.

Couple On Bath Salts Get Into Gun Fight With Fireflies

By Josh Helmuth

They Came From Outer Space. Photo: TheCrimsonMonkey (Getty)

No matter the amount of D.A.R.E. programs, no matter the amount of stories we post about drug dealers getting arrested on Instagram, or the ensuing helicopter attacks on cartels, people will always find ways to get high.

This fact doesn’t mean I’m advocating for throwing in the towel when it comes to the “war on drugs.” But I would like to stress that moronic behavior still spirals into a half-baked life. In other words, as the kids say, “play stupid games, win stupid prizes.”

Case in point? A Pennsylvania couple got high on bath salts, leading to a “bad trip” consisting of running from alien laser beams — those “alien laser beams” being lightning bugs.

It’s not unusual: People On Drugs Do Messed Up Stuff

Ladies and gents, 30-year-old Jesse Shields and 22-year-old Katherine McCloskey.

Here’s the scoop via CBS 42:

According to investigators, the pair from Clinton County had a “bad trip” and thought that fireflies were green lasers coming from aliens who were after them.

State Police say Shields fired his revolver in the air to scare away the lasers and then ran to a nearby home on Long Run Road in Lamar Township, where he asked the homeowner to call the cops because something was chasing them.

That first person was kind enough to dial 9-1-1 before Shields allegedly broke a window, ran to another house next door, then broke their window before asking to take a shower to get the “goo” off his body that was burning his skin.

Both Shields and McCloskey are facing several criminal charges and are now in the county prison.

Kids, it’s very simple. Don’t do drugs. And bath salts are made for baths.

Here’s the full local news story below.

Josh Helmuth is a sports reporter in St. Louis who contributes to Mandatory.

Josh Helmuth
Josh Helmuth

Josh is originally from the small berg of Arthur, Ill, proudly the Amish capital of the state. It also has one hell of a pumpkin patch.

Josh has enjoyed dipping his toes into a variety of careers since graduating from the University of Alabama, the most rewarding thus far having served as a youth director in southern California for four years, and his broadcasting career which has garnered two Emmy awards and three Edward R. Murrow Awards.  

Josh enjoys loud rock music, Tom Hanks movies, dogs that like to cuddle and long runs. He is also always in search for America's greatest cheeseburger. Follow him here if you would like to be friends!

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