Pirates Fail To Set World Record After Some Of Them Decide To Stay At The Bar

Photo: izusek (Getty)

You just can’t rely on pirates these days. I mean, if they’re not chasing ass or stealing your wallet, it appears as though they’re shitting on one town’s dream of setting the world record for most people dressed as pirates because they’re too busy getting ripped at a local bar instead of actually showing up for the record-breaking attempt.

That’s right, kids. According to UPI, the English town of Penzance fell about 4,000 people short of breaking the world record for most people dressed in Pirates gear Sunday afternoon, and organizers say one of the reasons they fell short of the 15,000 pirates needed was because many of them decided to stay behind at a local bar and get drunk instead of showing up on time.

“I remember looking into the pub and seeing people in pirate outfits around the time the count was being done,” Penzance mayor Dick Cliffe (seriously, that’s his name) said. “I thought – what are they doing there? Whether it is missed communication over the importance of being in the compounds for just ten minutes I don’t know. It is a disappointment not to break the record and miss out by such a small amount. The pirates of Penzance is an expression everyone knows – not the pirates of Hastings. They are just impostors.”

Um, let’s be honest. If you’re the mayor of a town, and this is what is grinding your gears these days, then life is pretty fucking good for both you and your constituents. And remember, pirates just cannot be trusted.

Good luck with the “Angry Pirate,” fellas: The Most Outrageous Urban Dictionary Sex Positions That Hopefully No One Has Actually Done (NSFW)