Jersey Rules 101
Photo: Jim McIsaac / Staff(Getty Images)
The 10 jersey rules every fan should follow in regards to wearing them.
Know The Correct Rankings Of ‘Cool’ Jerseys To Wear
There are some sports jerseys that are easier to get away with in a casual environment. For instance, the following is an undeniable known fact that these are the best to wear in a public and casual setting.
1. Baseball jerseys
2. Hockey jerseys
3. Football jerseys
4. Basketball jerseys
The Body Must Suit The Number On It
This rule may be controversial, but here it goes. If you’re a a rather large man who has more Xs in his shirt size than an adult movie rating, then you should be banned from wearing a Nate Robinson NBA jersey — or in the same breath, a jersey of a rather fit quarterback type like a Tom Brady or slender wide out.
The other side of that coin is some scrawny guy wearing a heavy set defensive linemen jersey like #97 or something. Its wrong … just plain wrong.
The Tuck Rule
No self-respecting sports fan should be caught dead with a tucked-in jersey. The base of jersey rules.
What kind of man tucks in a jersey unless he’s actually in the game? You know, the situation which makes ‘tucking’ required by league officials.
Tucking a jersey into something like a pair of jean shorts is shameful in every facet. Let it hang, guys.
The Setting Must Be Right
I know, I know. You’re eager for that first date you booked from countless hours of casual Facebook stalking. I get it. You want to look cool to impress the lucky lady. You go to your closet for some nice digs and come out with … your Russell Wilson Seahawks jersey!?
STOP! C’mon, man. What is wrong with you? Never do that.
Jerseys are only appropriate in certain settings and in certain situations. Take notes.
Live Games: Yeah, this is obvious.
Bars – You’re at the local pub or Buffalo Wild Wings watching the game. At this point, its totally okay to rock that jersey. It would almost be a sin not to represent your fandom. If a game is not on, lose the jersey, weirdo.
Barbecues/Cook outs: You are grilling and having people over to watch the game. Your friends need to be reminded that you are a 49ers fan. Put that jersey on and flip those brats.
Inside Your Home: Your house is your domain. You are the king here. You call the shots. If you want to wear your Mike Trout Angels jersey while you’re sitting on the couch trying to rally the team to a divisional win, do it! Hell, if you just want to wear the jersey and not even bother to wear pants, go ahead… scratch that. Put your pants on. Keep it classy
The ‘Not Really’ a Throwback Jersey
There are some absolutely amazing throwback jerseys from the Cooperstown and Hardwood Classics collections. Those types of jerseys are legitimate throwbacks. A faded Randy Moss Raiders jersey, Chad Johnson Bengals jersey or a Damon Stoudamire Raptors jersey aren’t ‘throwbacks.’
Those types are from two categories: 1) You simply have an outdated jersey that is now irrelevant. or 2) You got it off the clearance rack because the store was desperate to get rid of it.
Make Sure Your Team Is Playing
Don’t be ‘that guy’ at a sporting event wearing a jersey of a team that isn’t even one of the two teams playing. We all saw that during this past World Series when a lone fan wearing a Marlins jersey sat behind home plate during the Giants-Royals games. I also saw a Red Sox fan do this at an Angels-Yankees game in Anaheim. What are you doing with your life when you make that decision? That is on par with going to The Cheesecake Factory by yourself and just sitting in the booth with a couple on a date. Know your place.
Be Cautious With Your Purchase
Jerseys are ridiculously expensive. The last thing you want to do is spend $100 dollars on a guy that ends up a bust.
Buying a rookie’s jersey is always risky. Look at the sad folks who bought a JaMarcus Russell jersey. He was terrible — a punchline — and out of the league in three years. If you owned that jersey and wore it with shame, you became a constant reminder to the fan base of dark times and the butt of jokes to rival fans.
If you go the rookie route, you do it on a 100% can’t miss player like Andrew Luck. Get a jersey with some staying power. Jersey rules – helping you socially and financially.
Do Not Wear The Matching Basketball Shorts With Your Jersey
That is probably one of the most unforgivable jersey sins. This look will have everyone snickering and calling you a douche. Unless you’re actually on a team, please, don’t do this. It’s a crime against humanity.
The Rapper Style Is Dumb
For far too long, rappers have created a trend where it’s somehow cool to wear a jersey that doesn’t fit. For instance, its way too common to see a 160 pound guy wearing an XXL jersey hanging off of his rail-thin body.
I know you drop phat beats and you have carefully coordinated your shoes to match the color of the entire outfit, but would it kill you to buy a couple of sizes smaller?
When people do this it looks like a little kid went into his dad’s closet and put on his coat. It’s funny when you’re a toddler. When you’re an adult, different story.
Know When Your Time Is Up
I don’t have an exact age for when your jersey days should come to a close. But that time will come, my friends. Oh yes, it will come. I mean, would it be acceptable for your mom to go get her belly button pierced now while sporting Uggs? Is ripped skinny jeans acceptable for all ages? Do we want to become the old guy still wearing Vans and wearing a Hot Topic message tee? No one should want to be a joke like Johnny Depp. I’m not talking 90s Johnny Depp or even Johnny Depp from Blow. I’m talking 51 years old Johnny Depp still trying to dress like some young, eccentric hipster. You are 51, Johnny! It’s just creepy now, not cool.
I got off track there. Just know your limits, sports fans, that’s the essence of jersey rules. Know when to retire the jersey in the rafters of your closet. Don’t be like Johnny Depp. That is all.
More Important Than Jersey Rules: Never Dress Like Russell Westbrook
Joshua Caudill is a writer for CraveOnline Sports, a surfing enthusiast, an unhealthy sports fanatic, and an expert on all things Patrick Swayze. You can follow him on Twitter @JoshuaCaudill85 or “like”CraveOnline Sports on Facebook.