Hungover Super Bowl Fan From Iowa Excited to Caucus Bright and Early Monday
Ah, the Super Bowl. It’s the biggest game of the year, the culmination of an entire season of football. The San Francisco 49ers versus the Kansas City Chiefs were the two teams playing in the game, but the real matchup was between the drunken football fan sitting next to you at the Super Bowl party and the hangover he’s bound to have the next day. Making matters worse is the fact that said drunken football fan lives in Iowa. This means that if he wants to have a hand in this year’s presidential election, he’s gonna have to wake up early, pop a few ibuprofen, and get his hungover ass to a Democratic caucus site.
Yes, in its infinite wisdom (or spite), Iowa has set the 2020 Democratic Caucus for Feb. 3, 2020 (i.e. the day after the Super Bowl). The Iowa Democratic Party is quick to pat themselves on the back for being “the first in the nation.” But they haven’t taken into account the countless number of hungover Super Bowl fans that will be pledging their allegiance to a candidate. They can’t even “mail it in,” so to speak. Absentee voting, or voting by proxy, is not allowed. That means that if Iowa citizens want to caucus, they have to physically show up at a caucus site to do it on Monday night, whether they’re hungover, or still drunk, or not.
This is why we can’t have nice things, like a normal, functioning human being as president. We wouldn’t be surprised if some of these voters end up throwing up on themselves at the registration booth, much like the drunken football fans we’ve featured below. Just keep in mind: these are the people deciding who will potentially be the next president of the United States.