Dinner With Negan: How to Catch, Kill and Cook Your Own Food This Fall
The Walking Dead loves killing shit: your favorite characters, kids, the occasional zombie horde. Except for Negan. AMC’s Lucille-obsessed jester appears to be indestructible, even several seasons later. Alexandria won’t put an end to his noise and neither will the quietest of Whisperers. However, Negan’s latest living arrangements with the fraidy bunch of silent sloths coincidentally correlate perfectly with the hunting season and Thanksgiving. So while men everywhere are draped in orange and waiting for their prey, Negan is out there bringing home your bacon (literally). Dinner with Negan offers something the Food Network can’t: hunting tips from the most lovable loud-mouth, pants-shittingest ego-maniac the zombie world has ever seen. This is How to Catch a Predator (With a Predator Host). We only eat what we catch this season, even if it’s only our words. Now put on your shitting pants and let’s get to it.
Cover Photo: AMC (Getty)
Ditch your weird hunting buddies.
We all know those guys; they make the wrong decisions at the wrong times. They don’t pitch in or do any work, leave equipment lying around, and think they know everything. The truth is, you just don’t have anyone better to hang around with; however, one of these days that loser is going to make a serious mistake and you’ll be able to ditch them. It’s time to move on to a new brand of hunting buddy.
Find weirder ones.
Preferably some really down and dirty melon farmers; these guys pretty much live in the wild—a survivalist's wet dream. There may be times where they seem a bit off, but make no mistake; they will bring home the goods. They’re an experienced and loyal group with…
A good leader.
That guy/girl who actually does know everything. They’re hardened like a crab apple and annunciate. They're willing to pretend to sacrifice their daughter and whip children with sticks at a moment’s notice. Sure, you probably plan on betraying them later on but for now, learn.
Naturally, they'll have their reservations about this strange, loud man who all of a sudden wants to be a part of their group. They’ve been hunting this land for a while and aren’t sure they want to share, especially with someone who might steal all their bait and give it to the rival group across the way.
Dress for success.
Look good, feel good. The best way to win anyone over is to dress like a 1960s greaser and then go walk around in the woods wearing biker boots.
Whether it means wearing green and brown leopard print or the skin of dead men and women, you’ll need to blend in with your environment.
Pack the necessities.
You'll need a rangefinder, rain gear, snacks, first aid kit, water, beer, backpack, knives, baby wipes, ammunition, and a weapon, like a sentimental baseball bat wrapped in barbwire that you’ve used on multiple occasions to intimidate and bludgeon less-than-cooperative prey.
Know your equipment.
Like really know it. Name your rifle, shotgun or baseball bat and have long, intimate conversations with it about life, love and that kid you almost stole from your "dead" rival.
Keep your cool.
You're in a life or death situation. Everyone is armed, in close proximity, and has homicidal tendencies. The most important thing is to stay calm and focus on singular and communal goals.
Study the terrain.
Not just the ground, trees, berries, and feces, but also the people. Have fun and make friends. Enjoy a beer while discussing women, the ball game, and your kids (if they're still alive and haven't betrayed you).
Be ready to bring your catch home.
Basically just dig a hole which you can then use as a makeshift oven.
Be very, very quiet!
Always walk heel-to-toe, watch where you walk and take it slow. You don't want anything hearing from you before it's time to kill. Rule number one: when you talk, whisper.
Wait for your moment and then strike.
Grill or bake it (whichever you prefer).
Congratulations, you're not going to starve today. Depending upon what you have caught and killed, there is a multitude of preparation options; feel free to give it a Google or consult a cookbook. If Google isn't an option (because society has collapsed), ask your new buddy what he prefers. When he takes your catch as his own and tells you that you must "earn the right to eat," well...
Stress the importance of sharing.
Kneel to the leader and say, "I'm all in, whatever you want, whatever I got, it's yours." She'll probably just tell you to be quiet but, hey, who cares? You don't really want to hunt with these people forever, do you?