Time Out: Why the ‘Saved by the Bell’ Reboot Won’t Work Now
NBC’s new streaming service, Peacock, looks like it’s going to be filled with old feathers. Not only is a reboot of The Office in the works, but the network’s plans for a new Saved by the Bell are already in full swing. According to the recent bombshell announcement, the reboot centers around star-crossed lovers, AC Slater and Jesse (whatever-her-last-name-is) as they navigate income inequality in the classroom. Sound amazing? Here’s why it won’t work.
Photo: NBC (Getty Images)
Screech Is a Criminal
Let’s not even talk about the time Screech stabbed a man in Wisconsin on Christmas Day. What was he even doing with a knife? Needless to say, he probably won’t appear on the show for probationary reasons.
Mario Lopez Is Too Shiny
Probably because of his shininess (and in spite of it) Lopez helped grease the wheel on this deal. His visibility as a reporter on E! News has certainly earned him some cache with the cultural zombie class. But the lighting department will have to invent a new kind of bulb to properly diffuse the sheen that is his face, hair, and smile.
Lisa Is Unrecognizable After All the...Um, Bad Makeup Jobs
Lisa Turtle was everyone’s favorite underdog sweetheart. But even if she makes an appearance in this latest half-assed attempt at a cash grab, viewers may not even be able to pick her out of a lineup.
We Can't Stop Picturing 'Showgirls' Elizabeth Berkley
Whether she’s the principal of the school or some other do-good educational administrator, we can’t stop picturing Jesse with flavored nipple cream or getting into cocaine trouble with greasy guys in blazers. Maybe in time, we can all forget. (And forgive.)
Kelly Kapowski Knows Better
According to legend, Kelly Kapowski was everyone’s dream girl of 1990. Her endearing pizzazz, killer style, gorgeous looks, and nonchalant winning attitude was the perfect foil to Zack’s Wall Street-era Marquis de Sade. But now that Kapowski is all grown up, she’s too smart to come within 50 yards of this stinking pile of old shoes known as the Saved by the Bell reboot.
Zack Is Currently Owned by Disney
The biggest reason this reboot won’t work is because it’s missing the central ingredient. While the entire cast worked together to create early ‘90s magic, the heart and soul of the show has always been lovable schemer Zack Morris. But because actor Mark-Paul Gosselaar is currently owned by ABC (and, by association, Peaock’s competitor Disney+), he won’t be making an appearance anytime soon.
Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, wait a minute now. What's going on here? Where is Mr. Belding in all this?
A cultural phenomenon more popular than Jesus should never be tarnished with a limbless reboot such as this. Like a Prince tour fronted by Miguel, reviving a work of greatness with the wrong components will only lead to waterboarding the public. Unfortunately, as major media companies like Peacock seek to remake the streaming playing field in the image of cable TV, we the public, must suffer the outrage of thinly-plotted rehashes and (probably) higher subscription fees. Say goodbye to the golden age of television. It was good while it lasted.