Chili Peppers’ Pyramids of Giza Show (And Other Ridiculous Places for Bands to Play)
Photo: Lindrik (Getty Images)
Where do you go as a band once you’ve played the Super Bowl? After a few years of thinking it over, the Red Hot Chili Peppers have answered that question by staging a concert this week at Egypt’s famed Pyramids of Giza. Tickets to the show, scheduled for March 15, are selling for a meager $2,400 Egyptian dollars (roughly $137 USD). That got us thinking…where else would world-famous acts play once they’ve lost all sense of themselves? Come along with us as we gratuitously speculate on what very well might be the new musical trend of 2019.
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In a publicity stunt designed to reinvent his image, Justin Beiber puts on a special show for inmates at Guantanamo Bay, deeming himself the new "Man in Black." Eyewitnesses of the performance say that 100 percent of the inmates complained of America's "cruel new levels of torture." Amnesty International throws shade at Beiber via Twitter, leading to the closure of U.S. prison facilities in Cuba.
The first hot nightclub in space has already hired David Guetta to perform opening weekend, hoping to attract wealthy aliens who like progressive house beats, overpriced water, and have sweat glands.
Russians like to party, and judging from their top Shazams, they love to dance, too. Putin, in an effort to spread goodwill, invites all the citizens of Russia (and some of his favorite international friends) to come party at his office in the Kremlin. Dubbed "Red Star" by local media, the festival line-up includes Ariana Grande, Celine Dion, and David Hasselhoff, fresh of his 10-year tour of Germany.
Deep in the Congo
Katy Perry has fantasized about this moment since she first yelled into a tiger's face back in 2013. Now, Perry and a lucky group of fans will ferry downriver into the heart of pop darkness for an intimate jungle performance that won't require any microphones, sound equipment, or backing band. The show has been described as "two hours of Katy roaring from a treetop." Lunch will be provided.
The Arctic Circle
Miike Snow's new publicist thought it would be a great idea to throw a record release party in one of the coldest places on Earth. Three die-hard fans bought tickets, and immediately regretted nothing.
The deepest spot in the sea is ripe to have its show-cherry popped by mega band, Maroon 5. Patrons willing to shell out for the high ticket price and arrange their own travel plans to the venue will then be shuttled aboard a red submarine by minimum-wage PAs, where Adam Levine awaits, topless, beside a karaoke machine. A trucker hat reading "Marooned With Adam" adorns his head, letting you know the concert is totally on the up and up.
Nothing screams music lover like plummeting toward earth in a free-falling airplane. How else will Sting's supermodel fan-base be able to twirl around weightlessly in a bikini without getting their hair wet?
Ed Sheeran wanted to do a whole concert where he sang just the last note of "Con Te Partirò" in most dramatic fashion. So he booked out Niagara Falls and went over the top in a barrel with a wireless microphone taped to his cheek. The result was a performance that will certainly go down as one of Sheeran's best.
What could be more righteous than playing the Vatican? Unfortunately, the Pope insisted that his band, Fortunate Son, open for the headliner. Creed had no choice but to agree to the terms after threats of "ungodly reprisals" surfaced.
The Lip of an Active Volcano
Things are about to get hot, as Guns N' Roses announce their reunion/farewell tour, a one-night-only performance held on the lip of whatever volcano happens to be most active that day. Good to see Axl and the gang are still hungry for destruction after all these years.
Great Wall of China
Due to a mix-up by the local promoter, the crowd was admitted to the wrong side of the wall. Die Antwoord, who didn't realize they were booked for a show, carried on singing and dancing in the fresh Mongolian air for four hours.
High School Freshman Kevin's Mom's Basement
Not every extraordinary venue has to be the eighth wonder of the world. Sometimes smaller is better. The Rolling Stones playing the intimate basement of Kathy's suburban home, with Mic Jagger's face-sweat landing right in her red cup, will certainly be a night to remember. Because it's not about who you saw, it's about where you saw them.