Jude Law needs to rethink his approach

“Jude Law is blaming fiancee Sienna Miller for his affair with his children’s former nanny,” says a report on Female First UK. Law, who seduced 26-year-old Daisy Wright while he was filming war movie All the Kings Men in America earlier this year, received a phone call from his 23-year-old partner after Sunday’s devastating reports – but instead of begging for forgiveness, Law slammed Miller for driving him into the arms of Wright. A friend of Miller says, “Rather than feeling guilty and contrite he has turned the whole thing against Sienna. He said if she is not partying, she is sleeping and he completely blames her for what he has done. He told her, ‘I told you I was unhappy. I told you I needed you to be there for me. Why didn’t you listen to me?'” Miller reportedly told Law to “go to hell”.

I feel uniquely qualified to address the Jude Law breakup since he and I have followed such similar paths. I haven’t always been a sexy internet celebrity, you know. I got my start in a ‘Hunks of LSU’ calendar dressed as a sexy doctor, then made my move onto the soaps, starring as Max Power on General Hospital. And I feel that’s similar to Jude because we both punched a lot of kitty on our way up. Unlike Jude however, I do not have a giant head like Mr. Mackey and dress like a gay cruise lines activities coordinator.

But it turns out … ummmm … okay, I really don’t care about this story, so here are some new pictures of doughy penis receptacle Daisy Miller. And whatever council is in charge of handing out gold medals for headlines should alert everyone else that they’re playing for second place now, since “we had sex on his pool table, the balls flew everywhere” is clearly going to be the winner.