What Happens If You Eat Nothing but Taco Bell for a Week: An Investigative Report
Let me start out by saying that I am a stupid idiot. No one made me do this. I just thought it would be fun to eat nothing but Taco Bell for a week and document it. Please don’t ever do this. As great as Taco Bell is at 2 a.m. when you’ve been out with your friends all night or on the random occasion that you’re actually craving a Gordita, eating it for all of your meals gets old very quickly. Also, I don’t eat breakfast so this is literally every meal I eat. Here is my journey. I hope it impacts you the way it impacted me … in my butt.
I decided the most fuel-efficient way to do this, and the best way from keeping the people at Taco Bell from learning my first name, was to go once a day and buy a bunch of tacos then warm them up for the other meals. Great idea! Although Taco Bell is pretty delicious fresh, it becomes quite the opposite when it’s reheated.
I’m getting one of the $2 Meal Deals for sure. How could you pass that up? A bag of Doritos, a Baja Blast, and a beefy Five-Layer Burrito for 8 quarters! How cheap is this meat that they can turn a profit on that? Nonetheless, I get that meal and then 6 Doritos Locos Tacos for later. NO ONIONS! If I see a piece of an onion on that taco, I’ll throw it back through the drive-thru window.
I have to admit, the original Doritos tacos are much better than the Cool Ranch. Argue with me all you want, but it’s the truth. I did learn the hard way that those Doritos shells do not reheat very well. Hopefully, my son doesn’t notice because he’s sharing these with me.
The first day is in the books and it’s no problem at all! I’ll try to keep switching up my orders so I don’t get tired of it too quickly, but there’s really only so many ways you can put fake meat into a shell and call it something different.
It’s party time once again! Today I got the $2 Gordita value meal because it’s like buying a Baja Blast and then getting a taco for pennies. I added in a couple of chicken quesadillas for dinner. I’m also pleased to report that my stomach is healthy and happy, but I must admit that, when microwaved, Taco Bell’s food turns into that guy’s face at the end of “Total Recall.”
I got two Baja Blasts just to be safe but that seems to be a bad idea, as my teeth feel like they’re wearing a sweater vest even after brushing my teeth. I usually just drink water so this was an unexpected “perk.”
I wouldn’t say that I feel bad, but I should start incorporating some fruit and vegetables into my diet because unless Mountain Dew is made from papayas, I’m not really getting much of the recommended intake.
In a huge disappointment, I found out today that if you order the Taco Party Box it doesn’t necessarily come in a box! I didn’t order a Taco Party Bag! If I asked you if you wanted to go watch the 2009 James Marsden sci-fi thriller “The Box” and the movie ended up being about a bag, you would find that unacceptable, right? I also caved in and got another cheesy Beefy 5-Layer Burrito because one more Baja Blast can’t hurt. Oh god, my teeth are going to look like this, aren’t they?:
I knocked out the burrito and 4 tacos for lunch, which leaves me 8 to warm up later. I’m definitely cutting out the Baja Blast. How does the gaming community consume that much Dew?
The 8 taco dinner was good enough, but microwaving them made them kind of melt together. Here’s a picture:
I also stayed inside and worked all day so I feel like I’ve gained 5 pounds in nacho cheese alone. Maybe I’ll mix things up tomorrow and get some cinnamon twists – I’m sure those are loaded with nutrition and electrolytes.
What a great way to start the day. I open my laptop and the first article I see is about this:
Taco Bell won’t say which restaurant it’s from. I swear, if that little idiot licked one of my tacos I will lose my mind all over that establishment. Thankfully, those are Cool Ranch hard shells and I’m not a soulless monster who would ever order one of those. My stomach feels gross, so I guess I’ll get some … Gorditas? Is there really anything here that would soothe my intestines? For the record, that’s a Larry Bird t-shirt. I’m not a Celtics fan. That’s repulsive. Can I blame poor fashion decisions on Taco Bell?
The Gorditas were greasy and gross. I sort of feel like the dampness of the meat is seeping through my pores and that I should just sleep in a Bioré Pore-Perfect Mask. Thank goodness I got a volcano burrito to warm up for dinner! I’m sure the resell value on those things is like a Hummer H2.
Did I mention the horrible downside to the volcano burrito besides the obvious downsides of eating a volcano burrito? Basically, what happens is that as you eat the burrito at a vertical angle, the volcano sauce, which is quite spicy as the name hints, flows to the bottom of the burrito like a waterfall of future anal discomfort. By the time you get to the last bite, it’s nothing but sauce. There’s not enough Baja Blast on the planet to purge your mouth of the fury it has just encountered. Whatever is in that sauce hates me, but it’s still hauntingly delicious. I’m going to bed early because my stomach hurts. I feel a little sad to be honest. Maybe the volcano burrito isn’t a dish best served lukewarm?
“Oh man, have you ever had a Crunch Wrap Supreme?” was a text I sent to my mom today. Is this my life now? Cheap and fast Mexican food and an increased risk of diabetes? I’m more than halfway done but honestly I feel so disgusting. You know how everybody in Michael Bay’s Transformers movies looked sweaty all the time? I feel like that, but on the inside.
I seriously just ate Crunch Wrap Supremes today. I ate four of them. I was really irritable today and couldn’t figure out why, then I thought “Oh yeah, I’ve only eaten the lowest-edible-grade beef for five days!” My stomach is doing fine, but I just feel like an ogre. The thought of eating more of this stuff isn’t a pleasant one. I’m just going to watch “Law & Order: SVU” and pray it’s not an episode where they arrest someone for licking taco shells because I will completely lose it.
I’ve decided to make the most of the day. I’ve got the Verve Pipe pumping through my headphones and I went for a swim this morning. I feel great. I think I know what will eliminate those feelings though. How about a hefty helping of some Chalupas Supreme? I’m just going to get a random combination of Chalupas and call it a day. For some reason, Nacho Cheese Chalupas are no longer on the menu. Seriously? I know you have bags of nacho cheese back there, so why are you playing me like this? Now I have to order off menu like some kind of taco connoisseur. Hey Taco Bell guy, you don’t have to explain to me how you’re going to pull off the heist of making me a NaChCha (my new abbreviation for nacho cheese chalupa, just roll with it) – just make it so I can shove it in my fat face.
I made a big mistake. I forgot to put that extra bag of NaChChas in the refrigerator so I’m just going to eat it at room temperature. It’s not like I could do anything worse to my stomach. On the bright side, it’s a chicken taco instead of beef, so it’s slightly less disgusting. On the downside, I’m afraid I’ve contracted salmonella from it. Probably not actually, but at this point, who knows. Tomorrow we’re going all out. It’s going to be a full-on taco party. I probably won’t eat here again for years so let’s go out with a bang!
I found a Beefy 5-Layer Burrito in the refrigerator and ate it for breakfast. I normally don’t eat breakfast, but when the Lord sends down manna from heaven to you in the form of a burrito, you eat it. I’m sticking to my “Let’s go out with a terrible bang” mindset and today, I’m ordering it all:
I saved the Chicken Quesadilla for dinner. Wow, just like I did all the way back on day two. I think we’ve all grown from this experience. For instance, I hate myself way more than I used to and I’m assuming you do as well. Tomorrow will be a beautiful day. I’m having an apple. An apple covered in nacho cheese.
THE FINAL STATS
3 Mini Bags of Doritos
6 Baja Blasts
3 Volcano Burritos
5 Crunch Wrap Supremes
3 Beefy 5 Layer Burritos
1 Bean Burrito
12 Soft Tacos
2 Doritos Locos Tacos
3 Chicken Quesadillas