Hate Sharing Your Bed? How to Improve Your Sleep With Your Girlfriend
You may love your significant other, but c’mon, be honest: sleeping next to her sucks. Back in the heady days of your single life, you rarely needed to share your bed with anyone else and you could just lie there like a starfish, your limbs touching each corner of your double bed whilst you slept in solitary bliss. But now you’re forced to deal with all the perils of sharing, something your mother always taught you to do as a child but in adulthood you realize is complete garbage, and as you continue the nightly struggle for ownership of the blankets and the larger portion of your bed, your left grappling with the idea that perhaps humans are meant to live alone.
If you love your girlfriend but hate sharing your bed with her, read these tips on how to improve your sleep while sleeping side-by-side with your SO.
Tip 1: Work That Bottom
If you begin attempting to forcibly remove your girlfriend from the bed by pushing her out with your legs or arms, she’ll notice. However, if she’s taking up too much of your bed-space and you want to subtly prevent that from being the case without causing an arguments, learn how to use your buttocks to your advantage. If you lie on your side, your back facing her, and slowly push out your rear end so that it begins gently shoving her away from you and onto her own side of the bed, it’ll merely look like you writhing around in your sleep rather than you trying to force a distance between you and her. It should go unnoticed, and you can finally get some rest.
Tip 2: Feign Illness
No one wants to be near anyone who’s ill. If you tell her that you’ve got a curious case of the sniffles brewing, she’ll hopefully keep her distance in order to not catch it herself. Unfortunately, this is a tip that can only be used a select handful of times before she demands that you go to hospital due to how sickly you have become. Use it wisely.
Tip 3: Build a Pillow Force Field
Go out and buy yourself a large selection of pillows. If your girlfriend asks you why you’ve bought so many pillows, explain to her that they were in a sale so as not to blow your cover. Prop them on your bed and then, when you both go to sleep, slowly take the pillows from beneath your head and move them between yours and your girlfriend’s bodies, essentially encasing yourself in a pillow fortress. Now they’ll act as cushioned bumpers, giving you some breathing room as you try to sleep whilst also adding an extra layer of comfort.
Tip 4: Roll Yourself Up Like a Burrito
Y’know what’s a good way of never losing control of the covers? Becoming the covers. An easy way to prevent your girlfriend from hogging all the sheets is to wrap yourself up in them like a burrito, coccooning yourself in them and refusing to let go. By doing so you may lead her to accuse you of being the one who is stealing the sheets, but if that is the case then simply pretend to be asleep in order to ignore her criticisms. Sometimes a man must take drastic action when his bed sheets are at stake.
Tip 5: Go to Bed Earlier Than Her
If she is going to bed earlier than you are, you’ve already lost the war. She’s already planted her flag on it, and now owns the majority of its surface area. In order to ensure that you aren’t left in the cold (quite literally), you need to make your move before she does. Say you’re going to the bathroom at 9pm, and then slink off into your bedroom, getting undressed and spreading yourself out across the mattress. Now when she comes to bed, she’ll have to move around your lifeless body, slotting in to the tiny amount of space on the bed that you aren’t occupying.
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