New Year’s Eve will see everyone and anyone venture from their apartments/homes/parents’ basements in order to bring in 2015 whilst simultaneously raising a middle finger to 2014.
Perhaps this year has been good for you, or perhaps it has been awful – either way, the only thing certain in this world is that time will keep ticking away regardless, so it’s best to have a few drinks with those you love and who love you.
Unfortunately for you, there are also other people to contend with who will more than likely actively ruin your enjoyment of this occasion. Here are the different kinds of people you meet on New Year’s Eve.
The girl who’s not going to make it to midnight.
Considering her petite frame, this girl has managed to pack away an almost frightening amount of alcohol and, for an hour or so, you considered that maybe – just maybe – she was going to make it through the night without coating her hair and shoes in her own vomit. Unfortunately that wasn’t to be, as her stomach eventually begins rejecting the toxic blue/red/green liquid she’s been ingesting for the past three hours, and now she hasn’t a clue where she is, who you are, who she is and why so many people are counting down from 10.
Everyone else in the club looks like a hellish, Lovecraftian nightmare in her eyes, as her evening descends into a race against time to hurriedly escape in a taxi like that opening scene from Temple of Doom, except instead of being accompanied by a Short Round-esque sidekick, she’s instead sitting in the back of a cab alongside a friend who’s mightily pissed off that her night has been cut short because her bestie can’t handle her alcohol.
The guy who wants to fight you.
What did you do to this guy to make him so angry? With his pupils expanded to the point where his eyes have the appearance of two black holes swirling in the bleak vastness of the universe, this chap wants to fight you for reasons unknown to both you and him. Perhaps you accidentally cut in front of him at the bar? Or maybe you just have the appearance of someone who deserves a good punch in the mouth? All you know is that you don’t want to wake up in 2015 with a black eye and a deep sense of regret, something which will inevitably happen if you continue to accidentally lock eyes with him, as he insists upon standing in your peripheral vision desperately hoping that you’ll be the one who makes the first move.
On New Year’s Eve there’s always someone who is looking to make what should be a joyous celebration of the world entering into a brand new 365 days of opportunity into a bloodbath, and this fiery individual, fueled by whatever substances he has consumed, is looking to do just that.
The less fortunate people who can only go out a few times per year, so use this opportunity to go wild.
By our mid-twenties we have all grown tired of wasting our spare time (“spare” meaning the time we aren’t working), but we continue to do so because life in the ’00s is like being strapped to a conveyor belt from which there is no escape, where we keep refilling our drinks until that conveyor belt eventually leads us into the grave.
However, there are quite a few people who aren’t blessed with any form of disposable income, who spend their money on important stuff such as rent, food and electric/gas to ensure that they don’t freeze to death. These people will come out in their droves on New Year’s Day, spurred on by the accepted international opinion that everyone must do something on December 31st lest they be labeled a hopeless bore.
It’s easy to spot these people, as they have no clue that New Year’s Eve is actually one of the worst times to venture outdoors given how obscenely crowded every venue is and how overpriced club entry fees/drinks are at that time of year, with them instead choosing this one day per year to let their hair down (or whatever’s left of it, given that they spend the majority of their lives trapped in their mortal coil of stress, debt and panic) and celebrate the good things in life, such as tequila shots so pricey that they won’t be able to afford breakfast for the next week.
The incredibly bored people who felt obliged to go out.
To counter-balance the people who only go out drinking on New Year’s Eve, there are typically a large selection of people who felt obliged to go out simply due it being NYE and that really being their only option. What else is there to do? Stay indoors and watch the Times Square countdown on TV? Pfft. No. These people are better than that. They’re so good, in fact, that they’re going to head out and spend the majority of the night complaining about how terrible New Year’s Eve is, how overpriced the drinks are and how packed the clubs are, even though they themselves are willingly a part of this whole ordeal by partaking in the tradition.
These people are the most likely to leave early, and the most likely to upload hundreds of photos of the evening on Facebook the next day to ensure all of their acquaintances know that they had a really good time. Honestly. It was wonderful. Did you see that photo of them all smiling? They loved it, and they definitely had a better New Year’s Eve than you did. Loser.
The sickeningly sweet couples.
New Year’s Eve is an inherently romantic occasion, given that it’s about saying goodbye to a (theoretically) great year and welcoming in a new one with the people you love. As such, you should expect to see many couples just waiting for that ball to drop so they can mount their partner in public at 12am, and if you’re single it’s not so much fun to take part in this celebration as you’re basically just engaging in voyeurism, awkwardly watching people arouse each other.
Welcoming in the new year alone isn’t the best situation to find yourself in, but if that’s the scenario you’re expecting then you’ll have to come fully prepared to stand quietly at the bar whilst the loved-up masses embrace each other for new year kisses. The only thing you’ll be locking lips with is the rim of a plastic cup filled with bourbon.
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