The Mandatory Guide to Eating Your First Weed Edible
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With the offerings of THC-fueled treats ranging from simple snacks like pretzels and ice cream to full-blown entrées like buttered chicken with jasmine rice and green beans, the possibilities for the uninitiated to explore the stony frontiers of weed edibles are endless. And because the quality control of legalized weed products is so sophisticated, you can choose your exact dosage of both THC (the psychotropic ingredient in weed) and CBD (the non-psychoactive ingredient) per edible.
Although we welcome all levels into the wonderful world of edibles, this guide is meant for the dose scientifically known as the sucker punch. Because nothing can prepare you for the first time you get truly stoned by a powerfully crafted weed edible — well, except for this guide. So, if you are preparing to take this journey, all we can say is good luck, good sir, and may the weed gods smile on you during your quest for the ultimate, insane full-body high.
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Clear your schedule.
This may take a while. A seriously charged weed edible can bring on highs lasting as long as 24 hours. Make sure you have nothing to do today, and preferably tomorrow as well. Until you get a few under your belt, plan like an alpinist summiting Mount Denali.
There's nothing worse than being extremely high in a stuffy shirt and skinny jeans.
Have snacks on hand.
One thing is certain: there will be noshing. Do yourself a favor and make the snacks delicious, varied, and close by (your legs may fail you for a while).
Be in good company.
Brave men may go it alone, but good company can make all the difference. Someone who is genuine, with a good sense of humor, and who has your best interest in mind will be the perfect candidate for your maiden voyage into Stonelandia. Bad company can really be a downer.
Remove any fragile items.
When you're high as a kite, you're also clumsy as a kite, and prone to the whims of the wind. Remove glass objects, favored frames, and grandma's smoky quartz display, and the aftermath will look a lot less disastrous.
Hunker down, seriously.
Prepare the pillows. Pad the sharp edges. Locate your favorite spot on the couch and make it your home for the next 12 hours.
Don't freak out.
Any new experience can lead to discomfort. When things are happening to your body and mind that feel completely foreign, the knew-jerk tendency is to go into panic mode. Repeat the mantra: I'm OK. I will be OK.
Still, don't freak out.
Double down on the not freaking out.
Ride the high.
When you find your happy place, strap in and enjoy the ride. You only get Elton-John-high on edibles for the first time once. Relish the experience.
Definitely hide you car keys. No matter what happens or who calls, do not drive anywhere. If you need to leave the house, phone a friend. And if they can understand the garbled sounds coming out of your mouth, you might actually get to where you think you are trying to go.
As you lose touch with your id, it's always nice to check in and remind yourself that the unique scrambling of molecules that is your face is your existential anchor. Show it some affection and keep the good vibes emanating with some smiles and pillow talk.
Eat a burrito.
You could do this step at any point in the process (it's never a bad time to eat a burrito, except right after you eat a burrito). However, when you're ready to come down, the heavy fats and proteins will absorb and break down the THC, kick-starting a process that will effectively diminish your high within a few short hours. Levels of diminishment may vary.
Take a nap.
Being really, really high can be like climbing a mountain into outer space. When exhaustion sets in, go ahead and take a little nap. You'll probably still be high when you wake up, but only a little. What day is it?
Down some coffee.
Good adventures in getting stoned involve a measured balance of complementary drugs. Caffeine after a nap will pep you up and clear away some of the magic brownie cobwebs. You'll be halfway back to sober.
Shit and shower time.
The journey is complete once your system has processed and flushed the perpetrator. You will feel reborn as the warm, cleansing water hits your face and fills you with a newfound sense of the simple pleasures of life. Congratulations. You made it through the other side and are now a little stronger and wiser for it.
So, while it's great to conquer marijuana mountain, if in the future you wish to merely take a stroll through cannabis park, just bite the head off a weed gummy and call it a day. Save the entire platter of magic cupcakes and green risotto for when you retire.