8 Simple Steps to Surviving the Avocado Apocalypse
Photo: Daniel Grizelj (Getty Images)
Baby boomers are always complaining that millennials are mortgaging our future on avocado toast. Lately, President Trump has been pushing toward a U.S.-Mexico border shutdown via Twitter if the Mexican government doesn’t stop the inflow of immigration. Considering that the request is both racist and absurd, it’s not likely that the Mexican government will be able to comply. Trump backpedaled on the threat for now, but if he changes his mind and gets his dirty mitts around the padlock of our southern border, America can say goodbye to avocados.
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With 90 percent of avocados consumed in the U.S. imported from Mexico and nearly half of all produce grown there as well, you’ve got to wonder: what the hell is wrong with Donald Trump? While we can’t answer that question, we can prepare you for the impending avocado apocalypse with these eight simple steps.
Step one: remain calm. Everything is going to be OK. We're going to get through this. Just take a breath.
Call your friends and family.
Call your loved ones and make sure they are OK. Remember the sugar panic of '88 when Dad went off the deep end? Support is the only thing that's going to get us through this nightmare. We've got to stick together.
If you can, quickly (but casually) stockpile as many avocados as you can fit in your basement. Google "avocado preservation." Start a ration book.
Find something else to put on toast.
To help ease the transition (and because U.S. supplies of avocados will run out in three weeks), start testing the waters on other food items you can put on toast. Like shrimp.
Consider the doughnut.
Change up your brunch routine and have a doughnut instead. It's bready and has creamy stuff on top. Almost the same as avocado toast, right? Who are we kidding?
Build an avocado tunnel.
Book the next flight to Mexico. Find an avocado guy who can supply you with 200 kilos at a time. Build an avocado smuggling tunnel.
Hmm. Doesn't look like he's checking his inbox right now if you know what we mean.
Improve relations with Mexico.
Become a diplomat. Smile. Shake hands. What is this U.S.-Mexico beef even about anyway? Think of the avocados.