Office Space: Keeping Your Hands to Yourself at Work
When men and women are shacked up together every damn day in a workplace, it’s inevitable there will be some sexual stardust drifting in the air. The key in any office setting is to remain professional, even if you can cut the sexual tension with a three-hole punch.
Thus, this week’s Risky Tips couldn’t come at a better time, where our resident unlicensed sex advisor Kate Quigley tackles an issue with which we all struggle: keeping our hands to ourselves in the workplace. That means no open-palm slaps on the behind, gentlemen.
To demonstrate our point, we’re using our favorite moments from Office Space to celebrate 20 years of timeless humor.
More ‘Risky Tips’ from Kate Q: The Dos And Don’ts of DMs
Who's The Boss?
Office romance sounds hot. And it will be, until the moment it isn’t. At which point, you'll probably end up on someone's blog, or worse, The New York Times.
If you're someone's superior, you have to keep that shit to yourself. It's everyone's job to make their boss like them, and it's just that some of the fairer sex make that too easy. If you're mutually gung-ho about one another, quit your job. Then see how she feels about you (Note: Women aren't big on dating jobless guys).
And if we're talking boss lady, then my gentle friend, she's probably going to be wearing the daddy pants in the relationship anyway so just move along and save yourself some embarrassment.
Equal Pay, Equal Lay
Flirting and dating should be kept only for co-workers who are considered equal in power, not that women are usually treated equally as often as they should.
If you're a manager, you can really only date another manager, lest things like raises and bonuses can get a little sticky.
Why don't you quit flirting and just pay her what she deserves? That seems like a better idea. Maybe when you inevitably get fired for rubbing one out in the men's room, she'll come find you in the unemployment line because you were so good to her (without expecting anything in return).
Commiserate For a First Date
I dated a guy I worked with once, and we bonded over our mutual disdain of our superior. Our conversations went from talking about our boss to talking about daily life, which further led to a six-month relationship that ended when one of us moved out of state. So see? It can happen. He still makes an excellent reference!
Find Another Way In
When you walk past their desk or cubicle, see if you can ask or comment on anything you see. If she has a Beyonce mouse pad (wow), talk to her about music. This is a perfect way of bonding without being too pushy. Once you’ve established a bit of friendship, you can allocate yourself as the “work husband” later. Sounds creepy, but every girl wants to feel special. So find subtle ways to do it, without ever being sexual.
Maybe come back from a break with an extra coffee and offer her one. Compliment her in a non-sexual way ("I like that sweater!"). Notice when she changes her hair (you know her man will probably miss it so pick up his slack).
No Touchy, No Feely
This should be common sense. But there is no common sense when it comes to raging hormones in a small, confined space.
There really shouldn’t be any physical contact in the workplace. No footsie, no ass pinches. There's a line between flirting and sexual harassment, but it's not that fine. I know that when you’re flirting the instinct is to touch playfully, but leave this all to her!
The problem with a physical advance at your job is that sometimes women are simply being friendly. Sometimes men misread this as flirting. The last thing you want is to make a move on a woman who is going to get upset and report you. Pulling a Matt Lauer is a good way to never get a job again.
Office romance is unavoidable. I've said multiple times that I’ll never date a colleague. Then I do it (again). Because we have a lot in common, we’re around each other often, we like the same things. It happens. Just be very clear with all of your communication. Make sure you are serious about the person, or if you’re not, make sure that you both realize it’s a fling.
Then disclose all this to HR (or be incredibly stealth at keeping it outside of the office).
It sounds paranoid but save everything. Every text, email, photo, sext. We can't in good faith encourage dick pics from your desk, no matter how boring your job may be.
As sad as it is, things don’t always end well. And with the climate of our society, you could easily lose a job or worse by dating a co-worker. So keep a record in case the other person goes bat shit.
Fuckin' A Indeed
Good luck guys! Don’t say I didn’t warn you!
More ‘Risky Tips’ from Kate Q: The Dating Detox Challenge