Photo: via movieclips.com
We’ve had enough of people telling us we need to get our lives together, so now we’re just going to fake it until we make it. When it comes to essential household items every man needs to look like he’s got his life together, normally we’d say hang up a Nerf basketball hoops and just own it with a pathetically honest portrayal of yourself. But we’re not going to do that today.
Today, we’re going to help you look like you’ve got your life together, even though you probably don’t at all. We’re putting the “man” back in “mandatory,” once again, gentleman. Whether it’s recessed outlets, any number of kits you don’t own or something as simple as your own individual toilet seat, we’re preparing you to go to war with your former self and make you a little more presentable. Enjoy, and have some goddamn respect for yourself for once, man!
10 Essential Household Items Every Man Needs To Look Like He Has His Life Together (Even Though He Doesn’t At All)
So what are you waiting for? Get to shopping!
Oh, and one more thing, guys: 10 Things a Man’s Dream Home Must Have No Matter What
Household Itemsss
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Recessed Outlets
Screenshot: YouTube
Your life will never be the same, and your furniture will never be closer to the wall.
When she sees you can have it both ways, the electricity and the bed flush against the wall, her panties will drop and she will be immaculately conceive.
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Stainless Steel Contact Paper
Photo: via blesserhouse.com
From white trash to white collar in the blink of an eye, contact paper has never been so shiny, so sleek. You'll thank us when your subpar appliances suddenly become top of the line.
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Swank Robe
Photo: via cinenews.be
If you don't have a bath robe, you don't know what you're missing: the closest thing to knowing what it's like to having the freedom of wearing a dress, except with a penis, too. A good robe doesn't have to be thick, long or hideous. It doesn't have to ever be taken off, either. Treat yourself.
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72-Hour Survival Kit
Photo: via diehardsurvivor.com
You probably couldn't last 24 hours without a cell phone. That's why we know, in a state of emergency, you're going to need a lot of help. And that's OK, but as long as you have the right survival kit, you should be good. Maybe pack an extra cell phone battery to tell your mother you're alright. Make all the women in your life feel safe, especially mom.
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Tool Kit
Photo: Pinterest
If you don't have tools, you're no man. You're barely human. People appreciate a guy who knows how to fix things or, at the very least, has a hammer and some power tools and can stand, staring down a broken appliance like he knows how he's going to solve it.
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Individualized Toilet Seat Tabs
Photo: via freshome.com
Why would you share a seat you shit on with other people when you don't have to? It's bad enough people don't wash their hands. Case closed.
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Compost Drawer
Photo: Pinterest
Compost is the rage. It's the second thing a vegan will bring up in conversation, and when they realize you're way ahead of them, they'll bow down to you, kiss your meet and wash them, probably with some very expensive alkaline water.
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Shave Kit
Photo: via Sharper Image
You need more than a loose razor collecting bacteria and a bottle of shaving cream. You need to become a little more of a classy guy, and then (only then) will you get the respect you never really deserved.
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Umbrella Stand
Photo: via westelm.com
People will have unlimited admiration for a guy who not only has an umbrella readily available in his house, but an umbrella stand specifically designed for just such a thing. Extra admiration points if he lives someplace where it never rains. The term "godlike" comes to mind.
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At Least One Houseplant
Photo: Pinterest
Just one, that's all you need. If you can sustain the life of one little houseplant, which requires little to no attention other than a little water each week, then you've got your shit way more together than about 95 percent of the people on this planet. Just bugs on a rock in a void killing houseplants left and right. Be the change you want to see in the world, like totally.
