This Just In: Saying ‘Thank You’ Makes You Less Of A Complete A-Hole

Photo: Paul Thomas (Getty)

Recently I found myself holding the door open for a woman with bags. And what did this woman with bags do? She just walked straight on through and didn’t utter a single word. I couldn’t believe that in this day and age this particular woman does not realize that the words ‘thank you’ have been invented. I felt so incredibly sorry for her. But don’t you worry! Because we have some important news for you all, so listen up.

According to some people in lab coats from a pretentious university that we will never be able to afford to go — the same schools that cost a ton, but will always be in the news when one of their students commits an atrocity, saying the words thank you when someone does something nice for you actually makes you less of a massive asshole. That’s right, folks. A new study says that ten out of ten people who squeezed out the words thank you after a nice gesture were immediately looked as not being an asshole. Wow!

But there’s more. These same folks at the university said that folks who show a waitress appreciation for bringing them their food are also looked upon as a decent person. On the other hand, those who completely ignored the waitress and didn’t show any appreciation for their food being brought out were labeled as an ungrateful and unappreciative asshole. Makes sense!

Those men and women in their lab coats are saying this is a study that can change the way we communicate forever. They even released this list to help common folk get through their day.

You’re not an asshole if you say thank you after:

Someone holds the door open for you.

Someone says ‘bless you’ after you sneeze.

Someone tells you what time the train is coming.

A waitress bring you your food.

Someone tells you to have a nice day.

And of course there’s plenty more! They also released this list:

You’re an asshole if:

You don’t say thank you to any of the above scenarios or another other scenarios where a thank you is clearly needed.

Well that’s simple enough. What a groundbreaking study! So in conclusion: if you’re a human being who considers yourself to be decent then you should probably go ahead and remember your manners. Because science says if you do then you won’t be seen as a total a-hole.

Thanks, science!

For more of my important rants check this out: Young People Are Assholes VS. Old People Are Assholes: A Debate