Toothless Granny
Search Results on Pornhub: 845
Actual Porn Comment: “But why?”
Explanation: Toothless granny porn involves senior citizens who remove their dentures and place them on the bedside table. What happens after is the reason you’re here and not searching toothless granny porn on Pornhub. Call it an alternative source of income to Bingo.
My Little Pony
Search Results on Pornhub: 922
Actual Porn Comment: “Love Applejack!”
Explanation: Friendship is magic. “My Little Pony” porn isn’t. It baffles me personally to know that the ponies on the show are female, yet in porn they have penises. Large ones. Monster ones. One might even say they’re hung like ponies.
Red Rhapsody
Search Results on xVideos: 566
Actual Porn Comment: “Boring. 12 minutes is too long.”
Explanation: Red Rhapsody is a blanket term for menstrual porn. What’s even more shocking is the fact that the approval ratings for these videos hover above 95 percent every time. They’re seen by millions of people. The more I live, the more humanity confuses me.
Garden Gnome
Search Results on xVideos: 45
Actual Porn Comment: “That’s a very lucky gnome.”
Explanation: Garden gnomes have red pointy hats. These red pointy hats fit perfectly into porno considering the prevalence of other pointy things like butt plugs. Author Fannie Tucker wrote an erotica novel titled “Garden Gnome Sex Party” about a girl who uses her lawn ornaments to pleasure herself. She also wrote a book called “Nostril F–ked by the Micropenis,” which brings her into Nobel Prize territory in my book.
Japanese Newscasters
Search Results on Pornhub: 844
Actual Porn Comment: “In Japan it’s perfectly normal to read the news with your face covered in cum.”
Explanation: When you type “Japanese newscaster” into Google, only porn comes up. Which is a shame if you truly want to be a Japanese newscaster. Here’s what the smut involves: The Japanese newscaster gets a bit of…um…doughnut glaze on her face. She proceeds to give a news report. The news report is routinely interrupted by more glazing. Par for the course in Japan.
Yiff
Search Results on xVideos: 743
Actual Porn Comment: “I want both those furry things right here.”
Explanation: Anime with animals — bears, wolves, lions, tigers. The artwork is stunning. It’s stunning that someone would create yiff as a profession. The house music in the background is a nice touch, too.
Milk Enema
Search Results on Pornhub: 847
Actual Porn Comment: “Names?!”
Explanation: Not recommended to watch while eating cereal, milk enema porn involves ladies and gay guys shooting milk out of their hindquarters. It came to light in 2015 that El Chapo Guzman, ringleader of the Sinaloa Cartel, is into milk enema porn. He called Donald Trump a “caga leche,” which translates roughly to “milk pooper.”
Apotemnophilia
Search Results on xVideos: 432
Actual Porn Comment: “I wanna hump her stump.”
Explanation: That’s amputee porn, if you’re not into the whole Latin thing. You might think only veterans and circus carnies would be into it, but that’s surprisingly untrue. For example, in 2014 a Swiss professor was busted for accidentally showing his entire class amputee porn. It’s not just culturally accepted, it’s international.
Felching
Search Results on xVideos: 314
Actual Porn Comment: “The first time I did this to an ex-girlfriend. She asked if maybe I was gay … DUH!”
Explanation: A definition from “Fight Club” author Chuck Palahniuk: “Felching is when a man f–ks you up the butt without a rubber. He shoots his load, and then plants his mouth on your anus and sucks out his own warm sperm, plus whatever lubrication and feces are present. That’s felching. It may or may not, include kissing you to pass the sperm and fecal matter into your mouth.”
Hirsute
Search Results on xVideos: 923
Actual Porn Comment: “Do Italians ever stop talking?”
Explanation: Hirsute is an SAT word for “hairy.” Women within this porn category sport beavers that look furious. Snarling, unkempt, beastly things. There’s a reason I’m proud to live in 2016.
Tentacle
Search Results on Pornhub: 373
Actual Porn Comment: “Weirdest boner.”
Explanation: The earliest appearance of tentacle porn happened in the 1814 Hokusai Katsushika novel “The Dream of a Fisherman’s Wife.” Apparently, that dream involved her getting ravaged by squid. Personal intuition dictates that since Japanese pornos aren’t allowed to show genitalia, they have to resort to something else. Giant octopus arms are a good substitute, I guess.
Armpit
Search Results on xVideos: 4,067
Actual Porn Comment: “I wish I could lick Selena Gomez’s armpits.”
Explanation: Ever since we sprang forth from the womb, we’ve been told that armpits are disgusting. It seems that the taboo of salty pit muck is what drives masses of porn enthusiasts to this genre. Sniffing and licking armpits is surprisingly a cash cow in the adult biz.
Clown
Search Results on Pornhub: 96
Actual Porn Comment: “I wish this guy would stop clowning around.”
Explanation: The late Hollie Stevens is credited with bringing clown porn to the mainstream. It’s supposed to bring out people’s playful sides, not just in porn, but in suburban bedrooms everywhere. You could theorize the appeal of it is rooted in childhood trauma, and you’d probably be right.
