The 10 Types Of Uber Drivers You’ll Experience On Your Rides
We live in a wonderful time period where you don’t even have to drive yourself around anymore if you don’t want to. That honor used to be reserved for the rich and whoever it was that hired Mr. Belvedere, but now even the most basic of us can afford to be driven around like Miss Daisy. So what can you expect when you get into an Uber? Here are the ten types of drivers you’ll probably encounter, if you haven’t already.
1. The Chatter
If you think for a second that you’re just going to sit quietly in the car while being transported to your destination, think again. The chatter is going to make sure there isn’t a moment of silence as you two talk about everything from the weather to … the weather. If you get a phone call and think that will stop him, think again. He’ll interject into your conversation and, if you aren’t careful, will jump on the phone to talk to your friend about the weather as well.
2. The Old-School Cab Driver
This guy is only doing Uber because he absolutely has to do Uber. If it were up to him, you’d still be in the back of his cab getting charged $370 as he slowly circled around your block over and over pretending he didn’t know where he was going. Of course you can’t tell him any of this because he’s taking his 60th call via his Bluetooth headset. Who is he talking to and why is he always yelling at them? Are they his friends? What is happening?
3. The Entertainer
How do you know if your Uber driver works in the entertainment industry? Don’t worry because they’ll tell you almost immediately. The conversation will go something like this:
You: Hi, how are you?
Driver: I was in a Clorox commercial in 2009.
4. The Modern Columbus
I know there’s an app that literally gives the driver step-by-step instructions on how to reach your destination, but this particular driver plays by his own rules. Unfortunately, that rule is to ignore the map and depend on you to verbally instruct him every step of the way. You’d better keep your eyes on the road because he’s not going to do it for you. He’ll also keep mumbling things like “stupid app” like he’s a bad guy who just got unmasked on Scooby-Doo.
5. The Five-Star Seeker
This driver is great, but they want your approval so desperately it’s almost like a really clingy first date. They’ll have bottles of water and mints at your disposal, but the desperation is so thick you can almost see the stars in their eyes. You’d gladly give them five stars for their amazing service, but there’s always that awkward moment when you go to get out of the car and they softly whisper, “Five stars, right?” You get the rating, but you don’t get my love. Let’s just forget this whole ordeal ever happened.
6. The Human Inferno
It’s 175 degrees outside and this guy has decided to leave the air conditioner off and barely crack the windows. That means every time the car comes to a complete stop your skin starts melting off your bones as if you’d just looked directly at the Ark of the Covenant. I would pay extra to guarantee that the vehicle I’m about to enter has the air cranked so high that just opening the door would tear a hole in the ozone layer.
7. The Language Barrier
America is a big, wonderful melting pot, so encountering someone who speaks a different language than you isn’t something negative or surprising, but it is amusing when a driver speaks a different language and still tries to do the typical Uber chitchat. One time I asked a driver if we could turn on the air and she replied, “Four months.” I still don’t know what she thought I asked or why she laughed after her answer.
8. Uber: Confessions
Conversations with drivers can take a sharp turn into uncomfortable when they begin to tell you all the details of every crazy passenger they’ve ever had. Then it turns into a reverse episode of “Taxicab Confessions,” and by the end of the trip you know about every sexual encounter they’ve ever witnessed and explicit details of the nipples of the drunk lady that flashed him last week. Thanks, buddy.
9. The Networker
He has a business and, you might not believe this, but you can be an investor! He might ask what you do for a living, but it’s only so he can take a breath deep enough to tell you every detail of his career ambitions in one single sentence without having to stop and chance you interrupting him. He’s a DJ, consultant, farmer, actor, doctor, explorer, president, CEO, rapper, inventor and shark. He’s a busy guy.
10. The Party Bro
Dubstep album: Check.
Unnecessary sunglasses: You know it.
Seat leaned back way too far for no reason: Yup.
Smells a little like weed: Oh, heck yeah.
You’ve just entered into the chill bro’s car. Buckle up. Or don’t. There are no rules in the party bro’s car. Except have fun — that’s the one rule. So earlier, when I said there were no rules, I take that back. There is one, but it’s a good one. Do you have any weed I could buy?