Lindsay Lohan Isn’t Going To Jail, Getting A Starbucks Card

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Lindsay Lohan is being arraigned today for…I don’t know, pick any fucking thing….but, guess what? She’s not going to jail. Instead, FREE STARBUCKS! TMZ reports:

Lindsay will be arraigned today on 3 criminal charges — including lying to cops — in connection with her car accident on Pacific Coast Highway last June. We know the judge who will arraign her — Commissioner Jane Godfrey — will formally revoke her probation during the hearing. As you know, she’s on probation for the jewelry heist case. The Commissioner will order a formal hearing, and if the evidence shows it’s more likely than not that LiLo committed a crime, the Commish could send her to jail for as long as 245 days. Now the good news for Lindsay. One source very familiar with the Commish tells TMZ … “Godfrey is not a big jail person.” Get this … Commissioner Godfrey presides over Drug Court, in which she hears case after case involving people with serious drug cases. Godfrey strongly favors counseling over jail, to the point she has a graduation ceremony for people who complete the program and digs into her own pocket to buy little gifts for the graduates … like Starbucks cards.

I don’t even know why I bother covering “Lindsay going to court stories” anymore. Apparently the only way Lindsay can go to jail is to decapitate Suri Cruise and order the head something at In ‘N Out.