Britney Spears is Ugly and High

Even though she wasn’t on the guest list, Britney Spears was ready to make a surprise visit to a Maxim-hosted party on Tuesday. Then her friends told Britney that Maxim named her one of The Five Unsexiest Women Alive. When you’ve stopped laughing, OK! Magazine reports:

She started to pout and her eyes were filling up with tears. She had no idea there was such a thing as an Unsexy list and it came as a pretty big shock.” So why give the pop tart the bad news at all? “We didn’t want her to get inside Opera and have people coming up to her or telling her she was a part of that list,” explains the friend. “It would have been really bad if she had had a breakdown inside the club in front of everyone and she wanted to go out and have a good time and forget all the drama at home.” In the end, the pop star barely slowed her car down as she drove past the club, instead heading to Mirabelle restaurant in West Hollywood with pal Sam Lutfi. Says the friend, “Brit’s been talking about demanding an apology from Maxim.”

Yesterday, lawyers for Britney Spears and Kevin Federline were in court to discuss why Britney Spears has missed 8 of her 14 random drug tests. Mark Vincent Kaplan, Federline’s lawyer, argued this makes the fourth time the judge has reprimanded Britney for this. Britney’s lawyer, well, might need to go back to law school. People reports:

Spears’ lawyer, Anne Kiley, called the current drug testing procedure “unconstitutional,” adding that just because the singer may fail to respond to testing calls doesn’t mean she’s using drugs…When Commissioner Gordon stated that responding to a morning call wasn’t an extreme request, Kiley shot back: “But you’re not a pop star with a No. 1 album to promote.”

Man, what a week of revelations for Britney. Because, just so we’re perfectly clear, Blackout is #2 on the Billboard chart and Britney’s record label, Jive, has given up on trying to make Britney get off her ass and promote her album. And something else that might have slipped Britney’s mind, she’s gross. She’s whatever means the opposite of “sexy.” I could be on a deserted island with Britney Spears and the remains of an unfrozen cavewoman and I’d be bringing the cavewoman fresh cut flowers and throwing her picnics.

Britney inhaling cookies while shopping for her new $200,000 Mercedes on Nov. 7th: