5-Year-Old Ready to Party Brings Cocaine to School, DARE Program to Reevaluate Entire Strategy
Kids bring all sorts of things to show and tell. Pet lizards. Gummy bears. A collection of pine cones from the park. But when one kid brought a bag of cocaine to school, DARE started rethinking their entire strategy. Convening specialists from Amsterdam with a joint task force appointed by the president, America’s favorite drug initiative is reinventing itself from the ground up with a bold new strategy custom-made for modern times. Not since Ronald Reagan has there been such a comprehensive overhaul of the war on drugs. Here’s a first look at DARE’s new proposal.
Photo: Dave Nagel (Getty Images)
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Everything in Trump's America is a business. And if kids are going to be doing cocaine, why not bring the product to them?
DARE. Keeping children off the radar one burner phone at a time.
The nurse's office will now be outfitted with a drug testing kit so kids can test the purity of their gear, ensuring that whatever they're sharing with their classmates isn't laced with fentanyl.
Just a little fix before lunch can go a long way toward keeping kids focused in the classroom. Just Say Now.
With drug research finally getting the attention it deserves, scientists now know that a lunchtime rave is the ultimate place to peak.
Nothing is more valuable to a child than the first-hand experience of a Deadhead drug bazaar.
Extended Nap Time
Coming down from a serious bender takes more than 15 minutes of quiet time. Under the new program, naps will now extend for two hours after lunch.
For those who make the honor roll, continued education is available to ensure children grow in tandem with the trending drugs of their generation. They might be 5-year-old novices now, but soon they'll be 15-year-old pros with the appetite to match. And no child deserves to be left behind.