A Beginner’s Guide To Surviving Your First Zombie Attack
Photo: gremlin (Getty Images)
“A mind is a terrible thing to waste,” said every zombie, if they could talk.
If there’s one thing we’ve learned in the last decade of entertainment, it’s that zombies are as inevitable as death and taxes. People seem to believe in the possibility of a zombie apocalypse more than UFOs, the Illuminati and affordable healthcare combined. And for good reason — have you watched any Florida news in the last few years?
When the world as we know it crumbles, will you be ready with your canned tuna, double A-batteries and butter knife? Probably not, which is why we decided to take this eventual epidemic by the horns and put together a “realistic” guide to survival.
Never Trust A Big Bite And A Smile
Don't deny what your eyes tell you. When you see your grandpa eating your grandma's face, skip the stages of grief and loss and just accept it. Always be on high alert. That cutie who's nibbling on your ear may literally want your heart....and brains, and guts.
Be In Good Shape
Seriously, get in shape now. When Vegas starts taking odds on survivors of a zombie apocalypse, we're betting the house on Usain Bolt.
Pick Your Weapon Wisely
Not every weapon is a perfect fit. If you're not a ninja or a Viking in real life, then nunchucks or axes probably aren't your best choice. Stick with a big gun with a lot of spread, or a cross-bow 'cause those are badass.
Make Friends With Smart People
When filling out your zombie killing squad, obviously you need several Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson types, but you also need someone with an IQ over 65. Who else is going to figure out water filtration systems and the new world's socioeconomic structure?
Create A Posse You Can Trust
Being a lone wolf during the zombie apocalypse is a sure fire way to end up as worm food. Don't let Michonne's character pump up your ego; you aren't a secret ninja assassin. Zombie killers are born, not made.
Keep Calm And Lubricated
When the munchers come a calling, the world you formerly knew will no longer exist, kind of like when you heard Nirvana for the first time.
There's A Surprise Behind Every Door
Similar to a frat house, if there's a closed door, expect the worst on the other side. As a matter of fact, unless it's the door to Narnia, just refrain from opening any door at all.
Don't Walk Away Until The Job's Done
Zombies are like the IRS; they won't get off your back until you completely annihilate them into the dirt. In both death and taxes, make sure you get a receipt.
Zombies Aren't Your Only Concerns
Remember, a human who is a narcissistic douchebag right now will be an amplified, 10th degree black-belt version when society falls apart. Always keep your head on a swivel, and always avoid guys named after a city.
Light 'Em If You Got 'Em
Good luck, but we're probably all gonne die.